Talk about missing the point...

November/2004: PeeJ - Every since we started, we knew we were going to be somewhat controversial. Sure, we're a bit edgy. We have our critics. But one criticism above all has been the most persistent, and dare I say, stupid. And it's probably been the most frequent.

Every once in a while, I get an email akin to the following in my inbox. Now, this isn't a real email. I'm going to draw all the previous emails on this one topic into one email to sum up exactly what people send me.

Hello Admin,

I recently signed up for Perverted Justice. I really support everything you guys do. We really need to go after these creeps and show them that we won't stand for what they do. I'd like to support your site, but something was bothering as I read.

The language! Must you take yourself down to the perverts level by using such foul language? I think those terms really make you guys look as bad as the guys you bust!

God bless...
Random Dip

Now, I can understand if you blanche at some of the language on PeeJ. A sailor's tongue is not for everyone. If someone doesn't like the language on the site, I could show them other, not-nearly-as-effective organizations to go join that don't fight these guys on a one-on-one basis. No problem there.

The problem comes in when people, who are clearly out of touch, try to equate "cursing" with "being on the level of" those we find trying to solicit children. Idiotic. Now, you know I wouldn't make this topic if I had only received one stupid email saying thus, nope, I've actually received something in the neighborhood of two dozen emails over the last year registering the same complaint, in those same terms.

The thing that I really don't understand is the mentality of anyone who can be outraged by the word FUCK contrasted with the hours-long grooming of sexual enticement of what is believed to be a 10-15 year old. Who reads that and goes... you know... that's absolutely disgusting!!! Those terrible awful words used to mock the pedophiles! How terrible!

Who reads those logs and sees that? Are they not reading the likely-fatheated male trying to fuck the kid?

The whole obsession with curse words has always boggled me, since the outrage against them is only due to people deciding, for some reason, that these random alignments of letters are objectionable. It would be akin to myself randomly selecting apples are pornographic, and then making myself very upset at their usage in modern media. They're apples! Who cares, it's benign. I curse like a member of the geto boyz who dropped a brick on his foot. You wouldn't know it from my media interviews (since I switch into debate persona) but my regular conversational style throws in 1.2 muthafuckers in every five minute span.

The entire idea that our operation goes from "GREAT I LUV YOUSE" to "BOO HISS YOU AS BAD AS PEDO" due to a superbly placed "bitch ass pervert fucks" somewhere on the site doesn't even make me mad. It's so absurd that I can only laugh at it. What more can you do? You can't take that seriously. Then again, I get a kick out of thinking of doing one interview in my regular conversational style just to see the abhored reaction we would receive.

Reporter: "So Xavier, what caused you to come up with this site?"
Me: "Well, you see, there are a lot of muthafucking pedophiles out there, and really, fuck their bitch-asses."
Reporter: (visably shaken) "Uh... alright... um... so, what accomplishments has Perverted-Justice... uh, had?"
Me: "Well man, in the last six months, we've had five of these assholes convicted in a court of law, but more than that yo, we've just straight-up shown people what is up with all these fucking dickless cowards. Plus, we helped locate an abducted kid because the cops looking for her only wanted to save fake-ass fantasy blonde kids who play with barbies and make dollyhouses rather than a real goddamned kid. Site has never fucking been better, and we're going to continue to fuck up pedo's until there aren't anymore of these shitheads to drag into the public light to be pissed upon."

Now that would be one fucking great interview... and I'd probably get sixteen emails from people that just don't "get it." We're not successful because we wear suits, read the New Yorker and trade stock tips. We're not successful because we have knitting fundraisers, happy mascots and outreach programs. We're successful because we're the group of roughneck crusaders who have the temerity to bust down the internet door and say "Look at this shit, look at this scummy shit... this scummy, scummy shit... this is the scummy shit you don't see, and it's fucking everywhere."

That's why we're successful. Asking me to tone down the site is to literally ask us to not be effective. To not draw in the kinds of people who want to see these fuckheads stopped. The kind of people who don't say "FUCK" everytime we hear of another kid abducted via the internet. We want gum-chewing, blood-spitting people who wouldn't normally be accepted in Grampy's anti-pedophile group.

We say fuck. We say shit. We say cocksucker.

That doesn't make you a pedophile, but it certainly does scare the hell out of quite a few of them.

Funny Improv in NYC

November/2004: Pimping Other's Talent - If you want to check out a really, really funny site, check out the UCB-affiliated "Improv Everywhere" group at the following link: Improv Everywhere. They remind me a lot of the UCB outdoor scenes shot for the Comedy Central short-lived series, and of Trigger Happy TV... but better, really. They do some long-form improv "scenes" to prank people. The results are much funnier than short public improv scenes that most of us are familar with.

Check out the Chekov prank for pure hilarity, the Moebius for degree of difficulty and originality, or the Virgin Megastore prank. They're all pretty good though, and you should read the entire "conquests' page.

This is the kind of comedy that really needs to catch on. The kind of madcap stuff in the vein of Mr. Show or the Upright Citizens Brigade. I laughed more at one of their writeups than I did at any of the episodes of "Friends" I've ever seen. This is pure comedy, plus they actually do make an attempt to make some days brighter during the drudgery of the mundane shit we do everyday.

Great, great stuff.

More searches that lead to my site

November/2004: Search Engine Results - Every once in a while I check my stat-tracking and see some goofy search engine results. Tonight, it's a good mix of goofy and meaningful. Well, mostly goofy.

24 Nov, Wed, 12:45:20 Yahoo: xavier von erck

This is the best search engine result possible. If you're looking for Xavier Von Erck, you should hit this website. WHY you would be looking for me is pretty suspect. First, to click a link to after searching for me means you didn't know that I had this website before you went looking for me. So that means you didn't know me at all. Or PeeJ, because I link to here from my PeeJ staff profile.

Very odd.

24 Nov, Wed, 12:57:14 Google: ┬┤┬┤describe spain situation in 1808 why this time turned into a link to start independence procss?

Because it was much better this time?

Yep. That's the answer.

24 Nov, Wed, 18:30:10 Google: lyrics of bomb over baghdad

Besides people looking for nude Trish Stratus pictures, this is my most often hit upon search engine search. It's an old song. Why are people searching for lyrics for it? Makes no sense.

24 Nov, Wed, 23:53:58 Yahoo: fusion wrestling

That makes me laugh.

25 Nov, Thu, 00:17:48 Yahoo: How do u Spell ask me and find out in german

fragen Sie mich and finden Sie heraus.

I'm a fountain of helpfulness.

25 Nov, Thu, 07:13:06 Google: bert's blockbusters

The old album by Bert that I lampooned with my Bert and Osama post. Why are people searching for this? What makes you wake up and say "Hey, I'd like to hear Bert sing the hits!" Makes zero sense, kids.

25 Nov, Thu, 08:38:03 Google: server race warthog only

I now have Halo 2. You cannot race anymore. You cannot play hog wars. I am disappointed. Halo 1 on allowed you to select the race (which was fun by itself) put it to invisible markers with only three lives... and then ram warthogs, sending them twisting and turning into the sky. To kill, you'd have to knock the opponent out of the 'hog and then run him over. You cannot do this with Halo 2.

They have ruined the physics of the warthogs. Now when you smash warthogs into each other, there is a loud crash noise and no real movement off of the impact. Plus, they took out the race subgame. The only negatives in an otherwise great game. Sigh.

25 Nov, Thu, 10:57:54 Google: kim sun ill plea video

You are a sick asshole.

25 Nov, Thu, 12:19:51 Google: unitarian universalist and tax free status

Shouldn't be bestowed, because Unitarian Universalism is a bullshit faux-religion. The fact that shitty organizations like this don't have to pay taxes should infuriate everyone about their own tax-status. They literally get a free ride due to the fact that they sit around asking each other what each other believes. Support group, if anything.

25 Nov, Thu, 12:46:53 Google: Philadelphia jewish gangsters

Are probably the best gangsters possible.

25 Nov, Thu, 14:34:11 Google: "during sex" AND "professes love"

Anyone that professes love during sex isn't professing love for you, but for sex. Imagine if you made some guy a big chicken sandwich. And the guy bites into it and goes "OH I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU" while holding and looking at the sandwich. He doesn't love you, he loves your bread-slapping ability. Same with sex. Any male professing of love during sex is a profession towards your thigh-slapping ability, not you yourself.

Sex isn't love. Never has been, never will be. Sex is raw, unadulterated pleasure. To confuse it with "love" or to assign emotional status to it is the start of a very serious problem you will continually encounter. Every guy is going to love you during sex. You won't find one that doesn't. Don't even ask. If you HAVE to ask something during sex, ask for the guy's PIN code number for his debit card. Sure, it's not meaningful either, but at least you get something tangible out of it.

Beats fuckery whispers of platitudes and pleasantries.

25 Nov, Thu, 17:27:33 Google: Why the lyrics Bomb over Baghdad

See? It's nuts.

25 Nov, Thu, 17:33:45 Yahoo: german celebrities

Hmm... is Dolph Lundgren German? Are there German celebrities? I thought the only videos German's watched were sick as hell scat videos on public television. And please, nobody make the obvious Hasselhoff crack. That shit ruined Norm's run on Weekend update.

25 Nov, Thu, 20:31:28 Google: erika +

Boy, you sad-sack organized pedophiles are sure desperate for anything to try to attack us with. Nice try, wrong tree, Erika has never had anything to do with PeeJ. Good job with the Googling though, very advanced work! Snarf.

25 Nov, Thu, 23:02:53 MSN Search: celebrities react to bush re-election

Isn't it glorious to see the sadness?

26 Nov, Fri, 00:30:39 Yahoo: Dave Trimble washington

Is an asshole. And that's all anyone needs to say about him.

What have you learned? Sex isn't love, Michael Moore is fat, Dave Trimble is an asshole, people who hate PeeJ really do have too much time on their hands, and anyone that looks for a terrorist beheading video should really take a long walk in an Iraqi-run town.

Sick of Being Sick

November/2004: Whining - I'm so sick of being sick. I've been sick for about a week and a half. I'm tired of it. It needs to stop. I've taken all the stupid little "fixes" that people suggest and they didn't work. Still sick. The shitty part is that this flu (I think it's a flu) has boomeranged on me quite a bit. First, I started off sick. Then I got sicker. Then I got really, really sick. Then I felt fine for three days.

Now? Each time I swallow my own salivia, it tastes like I'm puking into my own mouth. How's that for vibrant? Imagine that sexy image.

Earlier today, I felt great. Now? I feel as bad as the worst part. Same thing happened yesterday. And the day before. Coughing, nose, flu-ridden head... this is not fun. At all. Usually I don't get sick this long. Watch it be something like the "Southeastern Asian Super Yellow Poxalaria" or something equally deadly.

Nothing works. Argh. Tomorrow I will feel just as bad as today. It doesn't help that I'm the world's worst sick person either. I'm as pleasant as a pit bull and half as attractive. I don't go anywhere. Not that I usually go anywhere, but boy do I not go anywhere. I had to do a couple pieces of media while feeling like hell to the power of purgatory (Virginia piece that aired and an educational program for kids) and afterwards felt like I ran the Boston Marathon. Other than that, I've made a concerted effort to do absolutely nothing. Not one thing. That has been my goal. A goal I've consistently failed at.

Tomorrow should end week two of being sick. If I'm still sick at the end of next week, I'm going to go out and randomly shoot someone. I promise.

A Little Taste of Email

November/2004: PeeJ Stuff - I did a couple "serious" updates, time to get lighthearted. People often wonder what the best part of running PeeJ is. No, it's not the ability to chat with human scum. That's definitely not it. It's the ability to mock the hell out of human scum and their defenders. Often I get emails from idiots and... what's the British term? Sousers? Whatever. I get emails from idiots trying to defend their little pervy buddies. Usually these are from the pervs themselves, cleverly hiding under pseudonym.

Here's one recent exchange, I think it's a yard-plumbah.

----- Original Message -----
From: Russ Harris
Sent: Thursday, November 04, 2004 9:10 AM
Subject: Shaggy7793

Hello, my name is Chris, and I'm a family member of Shane, and I think you should take his name off that discusting web site. He has no right to be on there, The saying goes It Takes Two To Tango comes to mind when this kind of shit happens. You should be looking at little miss Lilmsnoitall1990 or shall I say A BLACK WIDOW. Most of the time I find that people do that just to get a little attention and I think that is what she wants, not only thatm but to get someone else in trouble. If you have any questions, PLEASE feel free to e-mail me back I'm hopping to hear from you soon.


----- Original Message -----
From: Xavier Von Erck
To: Russ Harris
Sent: Thursday, November 04, 2004 11:08 AM
Subject: Re: Shaggy7793

Hello Russ,

I say Russ, because that's what the header of the email says. Now, you say it takes "two to tango", which is technically true, if you're doing tango dancing. However, if you're not tango dancing, and instead say... soliciting a minor... you only need ONE for that. The adult! Crazy! It's not like tango dancing at all. I can see why you would be confused, what with the intense similarity of tango dancing and child solicitation to some people in various uneducated parts of the world, but speaking as a tango master and as someone who fights child solicitation, I can assure you that there is nothing similar between tango dancing and child solicitation.

You see, children don't tango dance. In all my years of the tango world touring, I've never seen a child tango dance. This is important because... well, it's not important. I only bring up this experience due to your incredibly bad analogy.

Shane will be staying on the website, and in the future, I hope he learns how to tango, instead of spending his time soliciting little kids like the disgusting fuck that he so truly is.

Thanks for your important correspondence,
Xavier Von Erck
Director -
Since July of 2002, we have worked to expose online predators.

PS. Hopping can be dangerous for your health.

Yes, I take all complaints seriously.

----- Original Message -----
From: Russ Harris
To: Xavier Von Erck
Sent: Saturday, November 06, 2004 4:18 PM
Subject: Re: Shaggy7793

I don't think you heard me the first time, my name is Chris, Russ is a friend of mine that is letting me use his e-mail since I don't have a Internet connection. I don't take kindly to people trying to be smart asses like yourself and giving me a lesson in Quote on Quote :TANGO LESSONS" because if I wanted to get tango lessons, I would go and ask your wife. I understand that your so called business is run by people who have nothing else better to do but to act like a predator themselves and lure people into their little game of who can ruin who's life. I've also have heard of how you have ruined peoples lives and how you publicly humiliated them, that they were beat up walking down the street, refused business, and commit suicide because of your little escapade or quest for vengeance. I hope to hear from you real soon.

Rawr! We're evil-smeagle. But he doesn't know just how evil!

----- Original Message -----
From: Xavier Von Erck
To: Russ Harris
Sent: Saturday, November 06, 2004 4:40 PM
Subject: Re: Shaggy7793

Hello ChRuss,

You are correct! We cause everything bad to happen rawr. But nothing of what you wrote. We don't cause suicide or people to get beat up. No, it's far more insidious than that. We are solely responsible for the JFK Assassination. You see, forty years before we started the website, we started the website and came together to make sure Kennedy was shot dead like a dead man! And due to that, we then fought internet predators. That is our secret shame. We killed Kennedy. We did not kill Robert Kennedy. That was another group. Who also fights internet predators.

Thank you for your long list of things we supposedly do, but in future correspondence, forget those false things and stick to the facts. killed JFK.

As for your friend Shane, blah blah blah, blahdy blah blah blah, with a side of blah da blah blahdy blah blah blah.

That's exactly what I think about that.
Xavier Von Erck
Director -
Since July of 2002, we have worked to expose online predators.

PS. A lesbian sends her regards.

And that's that for now. You see, most of these people are morons. They believe that portraying a little kid is "playing predator." Yes, because the existence of little kids preys upon the wills of males, apparently! Morons.

This is the joy I receive. Morons emailing me, thinking I'll care and quakey quake, before realizing that you cannot intimidate me. Another lawyer named Villaume tried it. Didn't work. Another lawyer named Roberts tried it. Didn't work. You guys cannot get to me with your inane threats, and you know it.

Keep sending me lemmings to be pushed off the email cliff. I enjoy it so.

The Amazing (and pleasing) Election of Mr. Bush

November/2004: Election '04 - So the pain is over. The year of electioneering finally done. And at the end? I'm amazed and somewhat pleased at the results. First, the absolute amazement.

The Amazing: The most amazing fact is that Bush won. You start at the top. Bush's victory is astounding. This is a president that dragged us into a very stupid war. A war that has weakened the US Military in a lot of terrible ways. Iraq itself is not justified by anything the President has used to try to justify it. We all know this. The war was pointless with Syria, Iran, and North Korea all wandering around afoot. Yet, he overcame the Iraq debacle. That is an election miracle, really. Sure, we haven't kicked out a president during wartime in our history, but this isn't exactly the same sort of politically-minded country that we used to be.

But double that amazement by the fact that Bush won by so much. As you know, he lost the popular vote last time, and only won Florida by 537 votes. That's nothing. That's barely anything. The guy barely won. And that was a campaign with him as a reform-crusading outsider. Not the steward of a misbegotten war, an economy that is on the recovery but seen as a failure by the majority of Americans. Plus he's on the wrong side of Stem Cell research, which is supported by many influential republicans. Yet he was able to pick up over 300,000 more votes in Florida, and a margin of 3 million votes across the country.

That's amazing. But it doesn't stop. He was able to win states that he lost in the last election. After four years of what is commonly agreed as a tough road. But keep going... the gains of the Republicans across the board are even perhaps more amazing. Tom Daschle's loss cannot be overstated as a major political event. Their gains in the Senate and House, while presiding over an unpopular war are also mind-boggling. Not only did they gain, but their most conservative members moved from the House to the Senate.

That's one amazing election, especially when the polls and exit polls led to another conclusion. People across the globe are askign themselves, "how could this happen?"

The media has not made mention of the following fact I'm about to write, but it explains exactly why the nation went very conservative for this election. September 11th. The terrorist attacks upon this country actually accomplished the opposite of Al Qaeda goals. Sure, it fucked up our economy like nothing else could, but at the same time they created millions of born-again Christian neo-conservatives. The exact opposite of what their tactical goals were.

The attacks shook the country. We were happy, descending into a flapperesque sort of mentality. We were looking inward, not outward. Foreign policy was the last thing on anyone's minds in the common public. We were focused on domestic issues, fracturing ourselves with partisan strife. Look at the mess that was the 2000 elections. By hitting us as hard as they did, they shook the foundation of a lot of apathetic people into conservatism and christianity. Like I said, exactly the opposite of their goals. In general, a fearful American will rush to embrace christianity, and by extension, conservatism.

These new born-agains won the election for Bush. And make no mistake, Osama Bin Laden would have rather seen John Kerry as president. That's why he popped up before the election, threatening states that voted Bush. A colossal miscalculation, believing us to be nothing more than decadent Spain, eager to roll-over for a terrorist fuckhead. In reality, that videotape only solidified these new born-agains against Kerry. That videotape was the best Al Qaeda could do. A terrorist attack itself would have perhaps swung the election to Kerry, but the failure of Al Qaeda to have the capacity to launch one helped Bush immensely. Nobody dies from videotapes.

The wide margin of victory has to be worrying for democrats and liberals, who will have to hope for an even worse debacle for Republicans to lose their now solid grip on the nation. This president couldn't have been more hated by the democrat base. I move to state that no presidential candidate the Republicans can run will be as hated as George Bush is by the democrats. Their base will never be as mobilized again, and they still lost.

In truth, I think they will continue to lose. I was shocked that the opposite of what I expected happened, but after thinking for a long time about it, the results make sense. This country has been shifted generationally to the right by 9/11. And the left does themselves no favors by harboring conspiracy theorists and fuckheads like Michael Moore.

Which brings me to the pleasing part of the last election...

The Pleasing: I am pleased that Bush won. I voted Badnarik, which is a shock to exactly no one as I will always vote Libertarian when I see an L on the ballot... yet, I'm pleased Bush won. We Libertarians have a natural enemy. The cats to our dogs are the socialists. When you look at the political map, they're our opposites. This year, the socialists turned out en masse against Bush. That's enough to make me prefer Bush to Kerry. Sure, there's no difference between the two, but there is a difference in their constituency. I live in Oregon. I'm surrounded by fools.

These fools have gone on and on with their crazy 9/11 conspiracy theories and utterly anti-Libertarian stances. These idiots have bashed the war in Afghanistan, bashed privatizing social security... you name it. They are the anti-Libertarians. And they hated Bush. They hated Bush! They turned out in droves for Kerry, who really isn't that different... still, they would have been happy. Way too happy. They would have felt that they have political power.

All those "Deaniacs" That Howard Dean created by espousing socialist propaganda would have felt empowered. That's the exact opposite of what we as Libertarians want to have happen. These people need to be denigrated as politically irrelevant. This election made them feel politically irrelevant. All those new registered Democrats who bought into the "BUSH = ADOLF SATAN" propaganda? Gone. This was a huge loss and disappointment to them. And they'll never be as motivated as they were for this election. Bush's victory has knocked out quite a few socialist voters, and that should be enough to make any Libertarian gleeful.

And of course, Michael Moore. General Fathead and his Fathead propaganda claimed that his goal was to "influence the election" and "get rid of Bush." Well Corporal Cholesterol, the opposite happened. Bush gained more votes than any presidential candidate in America's history. He won Florida by more votes. He won the popular vote in convincing fashion. The efforts of Filmmaker Flabbo didn't just have a nil effect on the consciousness of the election, but his fatheaded blowhard statements likely mobilized more voters against Kerry than for.

Hollywood celebrities in general were repudiated. I was recently on a long airplane flight and I read an edition of People magazine. Mind you, it wasn't mine but the passengers next to me. There were two pages of nothing but pictures of celebrities wearing Kerry t-shirts. Nothing but people like Tom Cruise, Ben Affleck, you name it. All trying to influence a presidential election. Again, backfire.

These elements could be disastrous to the election process if motivated. Socialists, the youth vote, Michael Moore and celebrities. It is not Bush's victory that pleases me, but the literal personal, deep loss to these people that a Bush victory represents. They will be less motivated in the future, less embracing of socialist/liberal values. They will be muted (with the obvious exception of Moore, who doesn't even stop talking when he has a mouthful of sammich) and they muted is good.

It is their tears which please me, the mouth-shut of each and every socialist conspiracy-theorism asshole in this very liberal city. Those screaming about Fox News, Bush, Halliburton, you name it. They all lost. They all lost very hard.

And that to me, is amazingly pleasing.