To dredge out something positive in the face of insanity

March/2005: Current Events - I just want it made clear right now...

If I am ever hooked up to any sort of machine, where my life is dependent on that machine and I will never get off that machine... KILL ME. No, don't unhook me and let me starve to death, I want to be killed. I don't care how you kill me, so long as it doesn't last more than one freakin' day. Inject with a massive overdose of Morphine? Great. Shoot me in the head? Fine. Drop anti-freeze into my bloodstream? Whatever, so long as it's quick. Just make sure I die. This should suffice as a de facto living will.

After watching the insanity of the Terri Schiavo situation, the very idea of being surrounded by the vultures currently driving this non-story is one of the worst nightmares to even consider. Assholes like Patrick Mahoney of the Christian Defense Coaliation, fuckheads like Randall Terry, floating around to make their name off what should have been a relatively simple private matter. These morons... MORONS trying to take WATER and FOOD to a person who CANNOT SWALLOW... this "story" has shown the absolute worst of America. No story is as much an embarrassment to our country than the Terri Schiavo case. The morons in Pinellas Park prostituting their children, the supposed "men of god" clamoring for SCIENCE to keep someone alive, and the absolute dual-shitheads previously named have shamed us far greater than any possible election result ever could.

The only real "story" that should have come from the case of Terri Schiavo is the fact that she has to die in such a brutal way. Sure, no brain activity means that it doesn't REALLY matter if she starves to death or not, but on a basic level there needs to be a better procedure in place to end the lives of those who wish to not be kept alive artificially. I live in Oregon. We have an assisted suicide law. This allows a doctor to administer a lethal injection that ends the live of the afflicted quickly and humanely. While these fuckhead Christians have turned this into "TERRI SCHIAVO = JESUS OMG" due to the inanity of two greedy moron parents, we are missing the real issue. This woman shouldn't have to starve to death to die.

Christians especially should not be protesting a person being removed from a scientific life (The measures keeping Schiavo alive were rooted in godless science, not natural measures) but the way Terri will have to die. Instead of the Florida Legislature or the Federal Legislature trying to keep Schiavo alive cruelly, they could have easily passed bills allowing for the humane and quick end to Schiavo's life. That would be the tolerant, kind measure and stance to take. To allow for the passing from this life to the next in the most humane way possible. Yet you will not hear a Christian voice raised to end suffering, for such an end isn't in the interests of purely insane theology.

Catholicism and Christianity has nothing to do with tolerance or acceptance in America. The tenets of both would rather see people starve to death than have their lives ended humanely. Catholic attempts to block our assisted suicide ballot measure proved that, with Catholics asserting millions in the fight to stop the terminally pained from finding release and what is, to Catholics, a happy afterlife. No, they were more concerned with spreading church authority over the lives of non-believers. They knew that no Catholic would choose assisted suicide, since suicide of any kind is a mortal sin, however they still sought to extend their religious beliefs over a state filled with non-believers. That's not tolerance. That's a blatant attempt to establish a theocratic view over the rule of law. They would prefer a person like Schiavo be starved to death than administered with a life-ending, quick, injection.

If Christians and Catholics were tolerant, they would push for a new law allowing doctors to administer a quick, painless, life-ending measure to people in this situation. I'm proud to live in Oregon, where if I need, I can get a quick death without worry, mess or pain. I'm proud that our voters rejected theological positions when we voted for our assisted suicide law twice. I'm glad that we've resisted attempts by the Christian administration of this country to strike down our assisted suicide law.

Yet this gladness is more than tempered by 49 states which have bent over backwards to appease theists, bending which results in the slow starvation of those whom deserve finality.

This news story exists without positives. There is no positive in fascist lunatics of the likes of Randall Terry and Patrick Mahoney getting press. No positive to seeing two elderly parents use their daughter in such a vindictive manner. Most of all, no positives to showing the worst of America... unthinking theists and ideologues screaming with the world as witness. And lastly, there is no positive in Schiavo starving to death. The only positive that could come out of this story is a renewed vigor on the behalf of those of us who believe strongly in the right to die, humanely, in expanding Oregon's precedent setting legislation to other states.

Link: As always, you can help out

If this overdone story does nothing else, it should at least improve the deaths of the future afflicted.

Tip the waiter, tip the attendent, but never tip the pizza guy

March/2005: Finance - The other day I was looking through various hacks and mods for website design, because you know, that's my hugely glamourous lifestyle that so many are envious of. I noticed one mod that allowed you to order pizza online from the forums. Now, while I may be a slothful American, I'm not yet hitting that level of lazy. Novel idea, but not quite practical. In the person's thread explaining the modification, he linked to a website that I am absolutely appalled by. In fact, it has caused me to make a major life decision! Well, that's hyperbole, but here it is regardless:


Yes, I know, gasp if you must. The website offended me that greatly. What website? Why, Yeah, not too effective if my reading of that website has caused such a strong stance. Go ahead, take a second and peruse that piece of shit website. I'll just wait here until you return.

Okay, welcome back. Now, that website looks normal enough, yes? Doesn't seem too controversial. That is, until you really read it. The people running this website are using bad math and hyperbole to make you think the pizza guy is this bastion of work. He's not! There are many, many lies in this site that I, a devout pizza eater and pizzeria attendee will be happy to point out. This website is so aducious in it's falsehood that I will be holding it against every pizza person and advocate you, the fine readers of this blog, to do the same.

Issue #1: The Pizza Tip Calculator
The entire premise of "tipping the pizza guy" is predicated on the fact that he has to pay for his own mileage and vehicle while making a wage that isn't so freakin' great. On face, it seems like reasoning that makes sense. However, the website undercuts their point by showing the absolute evil greed of their low-wage makin' hippo asses. The Pizza Tip calculator is a great example of the website's heapin' helpin' load of bullcrap they try to show down your throat. The calculator works on a simple percentage of the total you have spent. So to them, the more you spend, the more you should tip. Does this make sense? No! Their entire point is the cost of the drive itself. If I order eighteen large pizzas... or if I order a single, solitary breadstick, they drive the same amount of distance! If I'm truly compensating them for vehicle expenses, then the tip should be a constant. That's simple. That's very simple.

Where they err is basing the tip on a percentage of the cost. That's a rip-off of the consumer. If the expense to the driver is so great for driving, it should be a constant tip. In fact, if they really wanted to tout the driving costs, they should have a calculator that puts in the number of miles you are away from the closest store to judge what the tip should be. They do not do this, undercutting the entire point they have set up the "driver tip fallacy" around. They try to argue that they have to "carry more" but every pizza place I use has a large bag that each order comes in. Yeah, a bag. So unless these jackoffs want to say the "weight of cheese and bread is killing our backs", they're out of luck there too.

Issue #2: The Delivery Charge
In Portland, most places charge a "delivery fee" or a "delivery charge." Fact is, whether or not this goes to the driver, this removes my need to tip anything. I am already paying a fee for the service rendered. The website claims that delivery people should be treated the same way we treat a waitress. However, no restaurant on this planet charges you an additional "waitress charge." The delivery charge supercedes any rationale for tipping. Additionally, the delivery charge often is factored into the drivers pay, or used to ease the pain of mileage. If the entire argument is that we should tip because the poor, poor pizza guy has to drive his own vehicle, then a delivery fee that goes to the driver should erase the need for any tip. The website tries to address this with the following text:

It could go to the driver in other ways, as mileage compensation or hourly wage. This is not the tip.

Bullshit! Your entire point is that the freakin' driver doesn't get compensated for having to use his car. If the delivery fee is compensation, then I have no moral need to tip any pizza person ever! I'm already tipping him through the delivery fee! That's garbage, that's pure garbage, and their only argument against the delivery fee is that "it's not the tip." Well guess what? It is to anyone with a freakin' brain.

Issue #3: Invalid and arrogant "reasons for tipping" page
This page lists a whole load of bullshit reasons why you should tip. Let's take a look at a couple of these and see just how stupid they are.

Delivery is a CONVENIENCE. It feels so good to have it delivered for you

Pizza delivery is not a "convenience." It is a service. A service one pays for in the form of the pizza delivery fee. The pizza man is not a friend, or some random rogue hero who just knows you want a pizza. He is a contracted worker who does his job for the scratch, not because he gives a shit if we're happy with our pizza. If anyone should tip anybody, the pizza guy should tip US for being so freakin' lazy as to justify his job. This is not a service I should be grateful for, this is a service that exists because we're very lazy. If there were no pizza delivery, we'd just drive to get the pizza or eat something else. Delivery is offered because companies know that we would not usually take the time to go stand around in a pizza place for fifteen minutes to half an hour while they cook the food. It is their response to the fact that the product is not worth our precious time. Drivers should be thankful to customers who do take the time to order, as it keeps them in a job they willingly chose.

It is not a "convenience." It's the reason these companies stay in business.

If one does not tip, they steal the services of the driver

Newsflash. Driving around is not hard. It's not hard to drive. We could drive, if we considered pizza "drive-worthy." His services are not free. The cost of his employ is factored into the cost of the pizza. The very fact that we choose to order pizzas is what puts him in business to begin with. The argument that "the companies don't pay enough" has nothing to do with trying to extort a tip out of ourselves, as we don't tell the companies to make the job "the suck" and no one can legitimately feel bad for someone who chose the job to begin with.

Issue #4: The shitty comparison between a delivery person and a waiter
These schmucks have the gall to compare a delivery person to a waiter. Utterly ridiculous. Waiters have much tougher jobs than pizza delivery people. First, a waiter doesn't get to sit in a nice car and drive around. Waiters handle multiple customers at the same time. Waiters have to practice memory, balance and speed in order to not piss off the people they're waiting on. The typical waiter/person interaction time is five to ten times greater than the delivery person/customer interaction time. Waiters also have the responsibility of checking on the quality of the meal and refilling drinks and other bottomless/all you can eat items such as salsa, chips or bottomless appetizers. They also clean up after the customer. Delivery people do none of this. If the pizza is terrible, you have to call again to get service, and then you have to wait for that service. There is no refill of drinks, no memory balance or speed involved. You cannot wave the driver back for more food if you under-ordered. And the clean-up falls upon the customers shoulders, not the drivers.

Waiters and waitresses have a very tough job. I've never done either, but eating out enough has definitely illustrated how tough their jobs are. Pizza people have the easy life comparatively, they "fire and forget" the food to your door. It isn't their responsiblity after that door closes, and they have nothing more to do. The site goes on to lie, saying that the pizza driver is responsible for cleaning up the buffet, the salad bar, etc, etc. That's bullshit. I eat at Pizza Hut's buffet all the freakin' time and you never see drivers do that. The internal waitresses clean up the buffet and the salad bar. They also bring you drinks, take your plates and ask if you have any specific requests for various pizzas. They DESERVE their tip, and not these whiny drivers who do, comparatively, nothing. They do so little that this organization has to LIE about how much they actually do! That's ridiculous! I know who the delivery drivers are at my local pizza hut! Not once have they EVER restocked the buffet! They even try to lie and say that the driver operates the phone! Again, a total fabrication. Pizza Hut here has a central calling system that relays orders. Ordering online simply delivers an order to the closest store. The driver does nothing. Why lie?

Oh, they lie because the pizza driver isn't worth a tip at all.

When the pizza buffet bar is open, everyone orders buffet. The wait-person only seats and serves drinks. They don't run the buffet bar. A waitress said she received $55 in tips during the two hours it was open.

Complete fucking lie.

Issue #5: Vast majority of pizza delivery people are morons who doesn't deserve the cash
You know who society should tip? The janitor. Yeah, that janitor. You know, the guy that goes around cleaning floors and shitters? I appreciate a clean shitter more than I do some jerk in a hatchback slingin' pizzas to me. But do we tip the janitor? No. We even look down upon the job of janitor, as if the person is some slimy, scummy person. This man keeps our asses from having to deal with shitty toilets. He should be treated as a god. The movie theater usher. Again, this is a person that keeps us from sitting in popcorn and soda. We don't tip him. He doesn't make much either.

There's a reason why certain jobs pay minimum wage. It's because they're either easy, or unskilled. When it comes to pizza delivery, the answer is "easy and unskilled." It is not hard to drive. It is easy to drive. I drive all the time. Nobody gives me money for doing so. I do not get into accidents. Again, it is easy to drive. There is little skill involved. It's easy. The reason these people get paid nothing is because they BARELY DO ANYTHING AT ALL. They take the pizza from the interior cooks, put them in a bag, and then drive. Then they walk to your door, take them out of the bag, grunt sometimes, and leave. That's it. That's the extent of their "work." You don't deserve more money. Go get a better job or shut up.

These jobs attract, in most cases, either college kids or the worst dregs of society. There's no reason to tip a college kid, he or she should be childless and don't need more than minimum wage. If they do have a child, that's their mistake for having one before having proper employment. As for the dregs of society argument, you may be saying "c'mon, that's harsh, can you even back that up?" Sure I can! And where can I get the information to do this, from the message boards of themselves!

From the thread: "Why are Jews and Blacks so damn cheap??"
Hate the way they tip, at least in my town. Why can‘t they spare a buck or two??
If you are in the hood I understand not being able to tip, not really, but take it for what it is! You will not get tipped there.
The damn Jews are the worst, though! Nice houses, and NO tip. I actually had one kike the other day become very upset because I told him I could not make change for $21.37 from $21.50...
Stupid Jews!!! I hate the way they tip...

That's the intelligence of your average pizza driver. Do you want to tip a moron like that?

Same thread:
How to identify a kike household..
Last names with any of these "gold, silver,stein, roth, berg, burg, man."
Avoid these households like the plague!!

Yep. When you tip the pizza guy, that's exactly who you're tipping.

Same thread:
if the name on the order is "la quisha" or "tyrone washinton", then you aint gettin nothing but a dirty look. it really pisses me off when i say hi, hows it goin? and i get nothing... no hi ..just nothing. punk assed stupid s--t thugs, i hope they have microwaves cause their s--t is always going to be cold!

All class. And they wonder why people don't tip their lazy asses.

From the thread: "Good ways to scam corrupt pizza joints..."
Stealing is rampant where i work(Pizza Hut) from the managers to the dishwashers. One great way is to take the order for your delivery, then add hella coupons or even free out a $15 pizza! Just make sure you remember the real price to tell the customer...

Any other ideas I could use to stick it to the ‘hut?

Post ‘em up!

Again, these are very stupid people working a crap job because they're not good enough for anything else, usually.

From the thread: "Why do most black people DON‘T TIP"
if you cant afford to tip, you cant afford pizza, if you dont tip, your pizza will be spit in next time, have mop water dripped on it, super glue in your door locks, or vasaline under your car door handle. and once again, i dont care what color you are, what your economic back ground is, if you cheap, broke ass cant afford to tip, you cant afford to order pizza. SCREW THE CUSTOMER, SCREW MANAGEMENT, THEY ARE NEVER RIGHT!

Same thread:
Ever notice though when a white person is in a black dude‘s home or vice versa (unless it is one of those retarded teen wiggers) almost every single time blacks do tip. Case in point usually whites on the whole tip a whole lot better. This one black dude tonight told me,"Yo tip woulda been betta but a nigga need money fo gas, know what I‘m sayin?" Seriously though how many black busboys do we see out there in our restaurants or makinga living in a predominantly tip related job, I consider it part of their culture or something.

Same thread:
Why don‘t the colored tip? Most of them have no manners and were raised by people of similar, poor quality. I‘m not sure what it is about them. Most blacks despise whites, they all think you owe them something. They owe me something---a tip. They should just tip me because my well-bred white ass is serving them. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn‘t even talk to them (or look at them). When a negro calls the store, my tone changes because I hate serving them. I can‘t understand ebonics. Sometimes I make them repeat things in English just to waste their time. I figure I‘m not getting a tip from them, so I might as well be a prick. If it were up to me, I wouldn‘t deliver to blacks. No tip, and even worse, it‘s dangerous.

Yeah. That's right.

Pizza delivery people don't deserve your tip. They're morons 95 times out of 100 and their lack of intelligence is usually why they're stuck in the crap job to begin with. Giving them an extra dollar likely means that they're going to go blow it in some ridiculous fashion. Why give them money for an easy service that you already pay a pizza delivery fee for? Sure, if you get the same pizza guy over and over, and he's something better than a simian, go nuts with the tip. Otherwise, save your cash in a little jar and give it to good food service individuals, waiters and waitresses, who actually do work for your tip. In the future, mentally, everytime I order pizza I'm going to add up those little dollars or two dollars that they think I should give, keep somewhat of a total and give that tip to waiters and waitresses in Mexican food restaurants. They are always, in my experience, hard working, polite and would likely put the extra scratch towards building themselves a better life.

There are some things you have to empathize with drivers over. They should be allowed to carry firearms for their own personal defense without being fired for doing so. They should get part of the delivery fee. But overall, the cross-section of drivers out there do not deserve a tip. They don't do the work, they're not decent people usually, and worst of all, they whine, and whine, and whine online like pathetic slugs.

Read some of their idiocy completely, and you'll come to the same exact conclusion...

The pizza guy can go to hell.

Any other era, and I would have checked out already...

March/2005: History - I've really gotten into Deadwood lately, as season one is complete. I even made Phoebus watch it, despite his normal hatred of Westerns. Damn quality series. We're only through episode four, so don't spoil anything in the feedback thread or you're getting banned twice. It's a great series and I recommend giving it a download (or watch, if you have HBO). Quality acting, dark storylines and engaging characters. Great stuff.

Perhaps the best part about shows like Deadwood is that they offer a hollywood glimpse into the past and just how godawful shitty it truly was. People like to sit back and romanticize about the days of yesteryear. I don't. I'm glad I was born in 1979, hell, I wish I would have been born in 1986. There's nothing romantic about the past. Not the renaissance, not the wild freakin' west, nada. Absolutely nothing glorious or commendable about such eras.

You're shitting in a chamberpot, you're avoiding what are now jokes of diseases, there's dirt roads everywhere and having to ride a horse? Bullshit. Not to mention American Indians wanting to scalp you if you try to get away from the disease-filled cities of the East. I wouldn't have lasted 25 years back then, I would have shot myself quickly. I don't even like going to the store, it's such a waste of time. Then imagine stitching together your own shoes or growing crops. Exactly.

We don't appreciate how great we have it. My food comes in containers and somebody else makes it. Not killing cows here! No legitimate boredom, no candles, no broken fucking wagon wheels or dead oxen. Imagine, if you will, the following day-to-day scenario...

I love the double decker taco at Taco Bell. It's a magically constructed thing of beauty. Let's pretend that I want a double decker taco in 1863. I want cheese. I want beef. I want tortilla, and I want a flour wrap.

Step 1 - I've got to buy a cow.

Step 2 - I've got to take a knife, cleaver, whatever, and butcher that cow for the meat. That's after buying the grain to feed the cow, or growing the grain somehow. Hell if I know how. Then I have to figure out how to ground cow guts into some form of edible beef.

Step 3 - I don't even know how to make cheese. Isn't it moldy milk? A clue, I've not. So I have to figure out how to make cheese. Then I have to do whatever damned process involved to actually make that cheese. If I fuck up, I probably get a bowel sickness that will claim my life with dysentary, which is a fancy word for "shitting yourself to death."

Step 4 - At this point, I have cheese of some sort and beef. I need to make a tortilla. Fuck, I have no clue of how to make a tortilla. I guess I need grain of some sort, plus some sort of heating process and mold to make the tortilla in. I have no clue how this is done so I can't even guess at what I would need to do in order to make a tortilla.

Step 5 - I make the wrap part by using flour. I don't know how to do that. I have to grow beans for the beans in between the tortilla and the flour wrap. That seems like the easiest part, until you think of how someone makes refried beans. I can tell you how to build a website, but hell if I know how they make beans.

Step 6 - Fuck, I forgot about the mild sauce.

Step 7 - I've already shot myself in the head by this point.

It shouldn't take a day to make a goddamned taco. All these idiots, hippies mostly, that want to "harken back to olde tymes" can shove the entire concept up their ass. There was nothing good about those eras. Nothing. Yeah, the air was cleaner, whoopty freakin' do, your hand wasn't. Not after you had to clear the bowels of the ill-prepared crap you just ate, at least.

The worst element of history to think about is the Pony Express. Now sure, the Pony Express riders are amazing in concept. They ride across entire states to deliver mail to others. If you told me I had to drive, yeah, drive in a car across a state to get mail, I'd tell you to shut up. I hate driving ten blocks to buy groceries, let alone to get the mail. Hell, I refuse to even get the mail at my humble abode, because the entire process is pretty boring. And there you have these Pony Express suckers, riding away to deliver chicken-scratch to someone who probably doesn't even want to read it.

Big ol' bags of the letters, on horse. Riding away, riding away. Nothing to do, nothing to read, nothing to write, nothing to think about. Just riding for weeks on end in order to give Rufus P. Wellstone a letter from his wayward drunk son Pierre. The money you earn from this wonderful "vocation" goes to buying alcohol, hookers, or some plot of land out in some nowhere... that you have to work your ass off on to even net one double decker taco.

Look around you! Look at what we have! Would you really want to go back to churning butter? Hell no. And yeah, you two idiots that read the last sentence and said "hell yes" are full of shit. You're on the internet. Don't pretend to be a pioneer because you Google once in a while. My friends, we live in a golden age. Full of convenience, medicines and speed. Our lives can be packed to the brim with so much more than someone who lived just fifty years prior. Were it not for everyone being such ignorant clods, we would be living the verifiable utopia so many philosophers have written about.

The only lamentable fact about this modern era is that logically, in a hundred and fifty years, some jerk on the "new" internet is going to be looking back at us and saying the same things. "They drove around in primitive gravity machines? And imagine, they had to get their food through a little window after great travel! What simpletons they were! Ha ha ha!" They'll be right, of course, just as I am for blasting anyone who romances earlier eras.

For we in America, life only gets better. Just look at the disparity when it comes to the poor then, to the poor now. I think I'm well-qualified to remark on this, since I qualify as "poor now", despite not feeling poor one iota! Perhaps it's my love of history that gives such perspective, but poor just a hundred and twenty years ago meant 8-12 hours of work a day in order to pay for a run-down shack and an outhouse. I'm eating rat if I'm poor in 1860, but today? Everything from fast food to steak. In 1860, I'm riding a donkey if I'm poor, if I'm lucky. Now? Trains and buses whisk me to and fro. Don't even get me start on entertainment. Dime store novels and sensationalistic pfaff rather than hi-speed internet and broadcast mediums. Music played on a banjo or washboard vs. high quality MP3's. The list is endless, todays poor are kings to those whom existed just a century prior.

The next time you meet depression in that dark alleyway you call a brain, really take a look at what you're not dealing with. A myriad of problems solved by civilization and technology. We're operating at the speed of light comparatively, yet so many are still depressed. That lay they didn't get or that lonesome feeling spurred by a lack of proper perspective. Today in this country, no person should feel as though they aren't getting a fair shake, or that they're miserable. Outside of crime afflicted, misery has been solved for. It doesn't exist except in the minds of the self-adoring, the greedy or the needy.

I'm proud to call these fine decades "my life." And so should you be. Now sally forth! Go devour fast, processed food and quietly hum America the Beautiful, while driving 65 miles an hour with music blaring. Hum that song, louder, louder! And tell that depressed moron down the street to do the same!

Because the times we live in could hardly be any more lusterous.

I did not have sex with that woman. Or that one. Or her.

March/2005: Personal Attacks - I'm beginning to feel like an actual celebrity. Real celebrities have to deal with tabloids like the Sun, National Enquirier, the Star, etc, etc. We've all seen these magazines with their lavish rumors slapped across the front of them alleging all sorts of rampant sex, drugs and rock n' roll. While I haven't been featured in any of those august publications, I can certainly understand the feeling of actual famous people as pro-pedophile organizations have taken to similar tactics in order to attack me. Of course, they'd look silly claiming drugs and rock n' roll, so it's all about the "rampant Xavier sex!"

I'm kind of flattered, honestly.

Usually, I don't bother myself with refuting all the various attacks on me. Most are pointless, boorish and utterly untrue. However, the whole "Xavier has had sex with everyone" attack is so novel, so original and so spectacular that I have to publicly mock it. Apparently, according to the pedophile enablers supposedly "in the know", I've seen it alleged that I've had sex with many people. One person that is often stated that I've had sex with is perhaps the most amusing. Yes, that would be Satine.

No, I've not had sex with Satine. No offense to Satine, but I wouldn't have sex with her. Not four years ago (before I even knew her) and not when she's 19, 20 or 21. I did not have sex with that woman. I would not have sex with that woman. Why? Gee, I don't know, but I guess I could think of a couple reasons, yep. I'm sure Satine is a great person to hang out with, if you want to hang out with a goth. I've met Satine and her boyfriend once, as they were in town once. Yes, myself, Phoebus, her and her boyfriend went and had chinese food last year. Now, unless I'm mistaking the eating of sauced chicken as "sexual intercourse", I think I'm pretty well in the clear. That was the extent of the meet. Chinese food. It was yummy. It was a veritable ORGY of chinese food. But not an orgy of sex. Sorry guys, I know the idea is disappointing, as my sex life is so focused on, I feel obligated to tell-all.

Apparently I've also had sex with a former PeeJ poster called Batesmotelgirl. Now, again, I am flattered. It is flattering that I'm thought so highly of that I'm attracting women from many states away, hell, thanks for the props! But I'm not. I've never met this person, let alone done the "joint post" with her. Once again, I did not have sex with that woman. Considering that last I heard she was in a happy relationship, I truly doubt that I will be having sex with her in the future either.

Here is just a partial list of other people whom I have not "stirred the soup" with:
Jennifer Good, Jennifer Lopez, Mario Lopez, Super Mario, Super Dave, Dave Robinson, Holly Robinson, Lauren Holly, Ralph Lauren, King Ralph, King Louie, Louie Armstrong, Armstrong Williams, Venus Williams, Venus De Milo, Milo and Otis, Otis Taylor and the Otis Taylor Band, James Taylor, Henry James, Oil Can Henry, Oil Can Boyd, Billy Boyd, Billy Jack Haynes, Jack Black, Lewis Black, Lewis and Clark, Wesley Clark, Wesley Crusher, Crusher Hogan, Brooke Hogan, Brooke Burke, Leo Burke, Leo Durocher, Dr. Kyle Durocher, Selina Kyle, Selinaskat, Megankat, Megan Lloyd George, Christopher Lloyd, Christopher Lee, Lee Harvey Oswald or Del Harvey as only a partial list. While I did sleep in proximity to Del Harvey once while in New York City, that's not "stirring the soup" and doesn't count. And no, this entire list isn't a flimsy excuse to brag about that. It's actually just filler.

Why people think making up a more exciting sex-laden fiction about me is going to have an impact is amusing. They'd probably be far better off working with the truth. Truth is, I don't find sex to be that big of a deal. If it's important to whoever I'm dating, great, if not, don't care. I've had sexual intercourse with four females. Yep, just four. I'm not a playa and I don't crush a lot, to quote Big Punisher. My second relationship was filled with "El soup" at nineteen and since then I haven't stressed about it at all. Whoopie is big whoopty. Of the four females I've had sexual intercourse with, two were older than I (but not by more than five years), one was the same age and one was one year younger. That's reality. Not as much fun as the fiction, I'm sure, but if anyone were to do their homework on me rather than making up James Bond-esque stories, that's what they'd find. I'd be fine admitting that I've had sex with all these random people, I don't think there would be any shame in it considering how society looks upon males who stir that soup often, but it's just not me.

I'm also a strong supporter of this genius age equation: Take your age, divide it by two, add 7. I'm 25. Dividing that by two would be 13. Adding seven makes 20. I won't date anyone under the age of twenty. When I'm 27, I won't date anyone under the age of 21. And so on and so forth. Everyone should live by that equation, it makes sense no matter how old you become. When I hit 40, the lowest age I can date without being an idiot will be 27. It just makes sense for everyone to follow as a unwritten law. I pretty much socially shun people who don't follow that equation. Yeah, that's just how extreme I am about the age paradigms.

Those who hate PeeJ are in a bad position when it comes to me as they only have three choices. One, make up fantastical stories about my world tour of fuckery. Two, do some research and claim the truth... that I've never been arrested, never done drugs, never done anything all that morally wrong. Or third, state that they don't have any idea of who I am after all. Either way, they'll either look stupid, I'll look good or they'll be back at square one. Take your pick. Three options and all of them work pretty well for me. The best part is how telling such fabrications are about PeeJ. To be down to making up a sex life for myself means one thing only: They know they have failed at shit-talking PeeJ as an organization. None of their claims can be proven, are true or hold weight with the common public. It's truly the mark of desperate people. The fun thing is that there are things to attack me over. I'll give a bit of a list of bad qualities I have.

- Arrogant: Yep, I'm arrogant about various things. Freely admit that.
- Elitism: Especially intellectually, I'm a goddamned prick elitist.
- Intolerance: I live with a "hard line" mentality. Cross a specific line, no more tolerance for a person.
- Cursing: Oh no I say bad words!
- Unattractiveness: I'm not a physically attractive person, nor care to be.
- Children: Don't particularly like them. Don't want to have them.
- Atheism: This makes me unfit to ever be president by itself, according to Star Jones.
- Recycling: A more wasteful activity has never occurred. That makes me evil.
- Argumentative: I'll argue anything with anyone, even stuff I don't believe.
- Sarcasm: Supposedly the most unattractive trait there is to females.
- Competitiveness: Al Davis is spot on... "Just win, baby."

That's the extent of my worst qualities. Have a field day!

I wonder if it'll stop at "Xavier has tons of sex" on the lie scale? Perhaps they'll come up with "Xavier has lots of money" and "Xavier eats a lot of steak" for the next oh-so-vicious attacks. I know, "Xavier has impeccable shoes." Ooo, I feel the burn already. Those would probably be just as vicious as the terrible allegation that I have a happenin' sex life. The sting, oh god, the sting of such accusations! It burns me down... deep. Making up untrue stories that, to the majority of public, make me look better doesn't help you.

Bring on Ken Starr! I did not have sex with that woman, or that woman... or that woman! There is no blue dress!


I'm just not as interesting as this redneck. Sorry.

Talentless celebrity whores and the Xavier who hates them

March/2005: Stupid People - So this weekend absolutely nothing was going on here in the land we know as Netville. That gave me plenty of time to annoy the world's truest friend, Erika. Erika is cool for many reasons. However, one reason she is not cool is because she often IM's me with links that HURT MY BRAIN. I think she has undertaken this special task to keep the "Angry" in the German. Or she just likes seeing me flame people. Or perhaps because talking about her deep dark feelings for me is too overwhelming, so instead she holds back such verbiage by hitting me with links to morons, holding off for yet another day the ultimate professing of LURVE she holds inside.

Hey, I know which reality I prefer.

...though the situation is likely more akin to why Laura talked to Ben on the Dr. Katz cartoon.

Usually the morons she brings to my attention harken from some snarky movie review forum, or people who have unfortunately made the news. This weekend though, she gave me one that broke the jello mold. A person so stupid, so vacuous, that yes, she merits her own blogger update. This woman's name is Jennifer Good and she is decidedly not... good. At all. Or anything. I'll illustrate with belabored points soon.

Ol' Jennifer Good is married to one of Erika's favorite singers, Matt Good. You likely haven't heard of Matt Good. That's because he's Canadian. I have a few Matt Good songs. He's not half-bad. The problem with Matt Good is that he's a socialist. A really annoying socialist. You know, one of those singers that thinks... "Hey, I can sing... so people want to hear about what I think!" This is untrue. No person on the planet whom has the itsy-bitsy'est of a brain wants to hear about a singers political affiliations. Your job is to sing, monkey, sing the songs that you can sing. You're not a politician, you're not a great thinker... hell, you shouldn't even attempt complicated math. Just relax and sing. That's what we want you to do, we don't want you to write stupid blogger updates all day, putting off the very thing that made you quasi-famous in the first place, yes, that's right, the singing. Just sing. And Sean Penn, just act. No more talkie. Just act and sing and be the vacuous celebrities that we know you are.

What's worse than a vacuous celebrity with a soap box? Pop quiz!

A. Moldy pie.
B. Moxie brand cola.
C. "Because of Winn Dixie."
D. Any Arab language.
E. The vacuous celebrities wife with a similar soapbox.

The answer? A, D and E. Three-way tie. Moldy pie is bad, arab languages are very annoying to hear and today's topic, of course... the vacuous celebrities wife with a similar soapbox! Ten points to everyone who got the correct answers.

Now, before I eviscerate this idiot, I'd like to state a disclaimer:

Disclaimer: The following opinions are mine and are not necessarily those of Erika, whom has met Matt Good and would gladly marry him if only he were single and sane. Even though the following opinions are likewise shared by Erika, she would not normally admit them since she is such a hugh fangirl of Matthew Good, because doing so could imperil a future marriage to Matt "The United States manufactures SUV's out of little mangled Canadian puppies" Good. This disclaimer indemnifies Erika from having any of these opinions held against her in a future celebrity-relationship to be named later.

Before we begin, a link will be necessary so you can read along while I go over the major points of why this person is an idiot, and why no pseudo-celebrity should ever give a girlfriend her own blog on his website. That's right ladies, marry me and you get no blog. Sorry. Such a horror, even if the blog were good, should never be inflicted upon the fans or readers of anyone. Let alone the serious-socialist conspiracy theorists that Matt Good attracts with his blog.

THE LINK TO DUMB Notice the giant pink fuzzy text and the little white background. Notice the fact that the left table menu is now stuck down at the bottom due to bad coding. Yes, notice it all, because I will painstakingly point it all out in my usual overbearing manner anyways. If you're interested in seeing the difference between the husbands blog and the wifes blog, I'll link you to his as well. THE LINK TO A DIFFERENT FORM OF DUMB. Yes, again notice that the poor coding has caused the right table to travel south for the winter, escaping the snowy ranges of Northern Canadian blogs. As of this writing, Matt Good has an entry up talking about the terrible nature of America's two-party system, basically ignoring that his own country has only one real dominant party that continually has the same sort of government elected for the last fifteen years or so.

Still, the wife is even dumber.

Jennifer Good is one of those people who can't really get over herself. She's a vacuous blonde, who disturbingly...

...looks like a younger twin of Ann Coulter

Now, I'll admit, Jennifer Good is physically attractive in that "If I were bored one night and she were lying in my bed naked, yeah, I'd have sex with her twice" kind of way. But sadly, she's not attractive in the "After doing so I would have conversation with her, take her out for breakfast and enjoy her intellect" kind of way. The latter, far better than the former. You see, I'm not even convinced that this woman has a brain. You may think it impossible for a human to live without a brain... but after I quote some of her... ahem, writings... you'll see that I may not be far off.

In a post called...
Did the US Army poison my best friend?
The moron writes:

My girlfriend Melissa lives in Boulder, Colorado. I know, I'm sad for her too. Last night she went out with some school buddies and admittedly got really, really drunk. So drunk in fact that I received a text message from her last night that said "I think I frank too much". Anyway, she woke up this morning in the hospital. Apparently she was taken from downtown Boulder (God knows where) in an ambulance with the full on lights & sounds, a fire truck and 2 police escorts. She has absolutley no recollection. The last thing she remembers is playing pool (I think that's what she said) with some US Soldiers. Not only did she completely black out, but she now has a bump on the middle of her forehead that resembles a goose egg. I guess she got a catscan at the hospital, and IV's in her arms & calves. So, I'm thinking that because I've known her for a decade And we used to be idiots in our teenage years and race to see who could get the drunkest at the bar And we never ended up in the hospital with a total blackout - that she was slipped something. What a scary thought. Luckily, I don't think she left her friends' sight besides being in the hospital.

I told her to take some pictures of herself so I could post them but she hasn't done it yet. To be continued...

Now, call me "Captain Meanguy" but let's say I have a female friend in Colorado who is slipped a knockout drug by some moron males while being moronic herself and drinking a ton of alcohol in a bar. Who then ends up in the hospital with a giant bump on her head. Pop quiz time!

Do I...
A. Ask my friend if she got "any hot action?"
B. Realize the person is stupid and should not be my friend.
C. Fly to Colorado to take advantage in her time of need.
D. Go fight soldiers in honor of her.
E. Pester her to send me pictures of her bumped noggin so I can show my fluffer friends.

If you said E, congratulations, you're as dumb as Jennifer Good. But the dumb doesn't end there, my friends, oh no, I'm just getting you started on a full-time buffet of "all she can not think." Best part? No charge.

In a post called...
Wait, they don't love you like I love you
The moron writes:

I want a tattoo. But I'm scared. Just a teeny tiny one. On my wrist. I may get one today. I may not.

That is a blog update. I write blog updates. Some of them aren't very good. I freely admit this. However, the above is not a blogger update. It's stupid. It's the thought process of a bored housewife with no skills other than to suck the cock of her pseudo-celebrity boyfriend. This model-reject-yet-model-brainless woman sits around, multiple times a day, expressing her opinions as if anyone really gives a crap were it not for the fact that she's the peppy pink lovemuffin of an inanely socialist hypocrite? Nada would give a shit otherwise, except those creepy males whom would like to get inside of her pants. Yet the blog entry in question? Twenty comments. That's right, those who are "pseudo-celebrities by blowjob proxy" can get twenty comments on their stupid mindless-mental wonderings of the world. That's the society we live in, where flashy-gash raises interest despite the fact that the whole thing, when looked at dispassionately, is the equivalent of a dyslexic kindergarten spelling bee mentally.

In a post called...
Where's your head at - at??
The moron writes:

But guess what!!! I just watched America's Next Top Model and I feel a whole lot better about myself. Not in an arrogant way, but come on - these girls are bawling because they were eliminated and it was their "life long dream" and now their hearts are broken and their dreams are crushed! Boo hoo. If you really wanted to be a model this whole time why wouldn't you get off your fat fucking asses and do something about it instead of waiting for some bullshit tv show to come through your hick little towns.

Yah, you wanted it real bad.

Irony. It's a sublime thing. I thought I had seen the most ironic thing I could ever have possibly seen when I observed Courtney Love commenting on the "intellegence" of someone else when we used to troll the message boards. I was wrong. The most ironic thing I have ever seen is that blog-post I just quoted. Yes, that is easily the most ironic thing I've ever seen. You literally have a moron, only in the social class she is in because of nice facial structure leading to a marriage to a shallow pseudo-celebrity... mocking the idiocy of females entering America's Next Top Model. Let's ignore the fact that you'd have to have the intellect of a fucking caveman to enjoy that show to begin with, therefore forfeiting all natural rights to complain about the proceedings, not to mention the right to bitch about the intellect of the morons on the show. You're the moron WATCHING the show. You're worse. Not only that, but you're a idiot whose only claim to fame is the name whose adoption to you bring shame. "Fat fucking asses" - On America's Next Top Model? Hello Anorexia.

Then there's this stinking piece of crap post which includes the following paragraph. Prepare yourselves, it's likely the dumbest yet.

Is 'Jabs' a word. Like, when someone jabs you. It was a 63-point word in scrabble 'cause it was a double letter, triple word score. I think it's a word, but then again I have started my own language called Jenglish. I use the Jenglish word 'drinkin' a lot. I'll use it in a sentence just to show you: I've drinkin 2 martinis already. I know 'drank' is probably the best choice in my sentence, but it is my language, my blog, and I don't care.

Yes, jabs is a word. You used it in a sentence. You are stupid. Clicking that link will also prove the old Seinfeld'ism about attractive females and their friends. It's long been hypothesized that physically-attractive mentally-vacuous females will ally themselves with very physically-unattractive females for social events. That way the unattractive female can use the attractive one for attention, and the attractive one can use the unattractive one to make her look even more attractive than she actually is. Ol' Jenny Good uses this principle to great effect as anyone can see from the photographic evidence. Pure proof that the stereotype is true... and that there is definitely a self-esteem issue going on with both of them.

Now at this point, I can continue throwing right intellectual crosses and various uppercuts of braincrust as her entire blog is filled with some of the stupidest content I've seen. I could continue for pages upon pages, noting and logging the stupidity contained within. But I will restain myself. Not because it's mean. No, I'm not being mean when I mock this mutant, I'm building up to a bigger point. A much more important point. A point that is so obvious and so clear that even an idiot like Jennifer Good could understand it, were it to hit her between the eyes on a day when shiny objects are not in her immediate field of vision. That point regards?

PETA. You know them as "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals." See, morons like PETA. Morons like Jennifer Good like PETA. Faux-celebrities and their brainless trophy wives flock like hollywood whores to a casting cattle call, to PETA. PETA uses these dim-bulb types to further it's animal militancy across the internet and society in general, influencing people of my generation to donate time and money to this shitty, shitty organization. Jennifer Good is one of these people, too stupid to do any real research into what she supports. She's too concerned with herself, her nails and her meaningless existence to really look past the surface of anything and down deep into the bowels of the group.

All throughout her blog, she has pictures of her dogs. I admit, they're cute dogs. They're not cuter dogs than the dogs that won the contest she entered, but they're cute dogs. I'm even sure that ol' Jenny Good is a caring, loving pet owner that likely takes great care of her animals. I'm likewise sure that her dogs are very, very happy, even if they also possibly recognize their own mental superiority to this societal leech. She is to be commended for being a good pet owner. Pets are great and deserve all the care in the world. Yet, at the same time, this idiot takes up PETA causes and bashes real celebrities for wearing fur. Nevermind that she eats cheese and her husband eats all manner of meat... no, nevermind that, J'Lo is a bitch for wearing fur! That bitch! Rawr!

But she's a pet owner.

Yet she's a supporter of PETA.

Let me continue so you understand what I'm saying...

She's a pet owner...

She's a supporter of PETA.

Got it?

Most of you understand my point already. For those that don't, I'll expound. PETA does not believe in pet ownership. They regard people like Jennifer Good, those brainless model-types they use, as scum. They believe that ol' Jenny's precious poochies should be liberated, set free and that the female Good is an animal oppressor for keeping her animals in captivity. That is how extreme PETA is. They believe in total animal liberation. Don't believe me? Check out this edition of the Showtime original series Bullshit! to watch the founder and leader of PETA say it herself. Total... animal... liberation. No pets. No little happy poochies. No more Jennifer Good postings of them all dolled up, because that's... oppression. Those dogs are, to the organization she supports, currently being mistreated by her because they are not liberated. She is the enemy to PETA.

Yet there is she, likely bottle-blonde, sitting there attempting the art of chewing gum and internet blogging at the same time... virulently railing against people with PETA-putrid propaganda that she doesn't even grasp the full meaning of. That stupid. Sure, she's stupid for other reasons... taking stripper-cise, drinking all the time to assauge the fact that she really matters little to anyone, but most of all because she attracts a sizeable audience due to her husbands art and uses her position to advance a group that she knows little about. A group that is diametrically opposed to her way of life. Pete, Benji and Casey are supposed to be in the wild, according to your oh-so-beloved organizations preachings. Yet you, pole-shiner, don't know this.

That's how stupid this bitch is.

Will anything change a person like this? No. She'll be stupid until the day she dies. She will perceive the world through soundbite arguments and pathos appeals of illogic argumentation. She'll ignore her own hypocrisy, she'll be dumped for a younger model in a few years and she will live out the rest of her days, on the dime of another persons ability... with memories of the people she thought actually gave a shit about her opinion, rather than the fact that she's only "someone by proxy." A status that can go away as quickly and permanently as the love of a shallow male. These types are the doomed, those truly to be scorned by those of you out there like myself. You cannot overstate the negative impact that the entire sum of the "Jennifer Goods" out there have. They are literally the cause of the depression and societal mental fuckery of so many of her gender. It is there existence that taunts so many and makes individuals hate the rich, for they sit there unrepentently stupid... the cow-chewin' cud of humanity.

And remember...

According to PETA, this animal is being terribly abused

Lids and the oh-so-fun "YO YO YO G" experience

March/2005: Headwear - I wear hats. You likely already knew this, since I've done every piece of media other than the Montel Williams show with a hat on. I've always worn a hat. Ever since the end of my time in Middle School (Where I couldn't wear a hat but the goddamned principal wore brightly colored converse sneakers!), I've worn a hat each and everyday. Every person should wear a hat. There are so many different styles of hats that you can tell a lot about a person just by looking at what sort of hat they wear. It's a great way to make an instant judgement about someone.

I wear a variety of hats. The backwards baseball cap, the "Russian Immigrant Mobster" hat I own, a floppy hat that was termed "The Greek Fisherman" hat by a former work manager of mine, stocking cap, big ol' top hat, the PeeJ hat (An awesome, awesome hat), an Xavier University hat, etc, etc. I own a lot of hats. They're everywhere around my humble abode. I'd like to pick up a few more hats from both the New York Hat Company (THE company for hats) or simply to buy more hats from the only fucking store I go to in order to buy them, Lids.

Lids is where I always buy my baseball caps. To be specific, the Lids at Lloyd Center here in Portland. I've bought this Boston Red Sox hat there a couple years ago, an all-black version of this Xavier University hat and a Chicago White Sox hat all at that store in the last couple years. I'd probably have bought three more hats there, except for one problem. One simple, yet very annoying problem.

The employees of Lids.

I hate the employees of Lids. I hate them. They are the worst people in the mall. You think the Hot Topic salespeople are bad? You're right, they are. But they can't touch the badness of Lids employees. You see, because anyone who buys a baseball cap must be "hip", the employees of Lids are forced to be these "YOYO YO YO YO U NEEED A HAT G!!! WHAT HAT U GETTIN!" idiots. The worst part? This isn't some normal business that realizes they don't need many "salespeople", as they usually have three in there. Their job? To annoy me. To literally annoy me. Most stores will take "Leave me alone, I'm looking for a hat" as "Leave me alone, I'm looking for a hat." Not the Lids employees. No, that to them is YO YO YO for "Hey, tell me about a bunch of shit I don't want" and "Follow me around, harassing me to buy a hat." They act like they want to be your cool hip weekend friend. "YO, you thinkin' about rockin' that hat right dawg? YO YO YO! That's fly!" The typical conversation when I walk in goes like this... after they've tracked me down in the store, that is.

Xavier: "Yes, this is a hat store. I'm going to buy a hat."
Salesperson: "YO! Sweet! WE gotz this hat rite here playa, that..."
Xavier: "I'm going to buy a hat, I don't need your help."
Salesperson: "Yo yo! This hat would look really fly on u!"

There's nothing I need less than a male looking at my head and thinking "Gee, this guy would look great in this hat." Sure, I know he's full of shit. I know he doesn't mean it. It's still simply too close to gay for my liking. I don't want a male looking me over and thinking "I could make him more attractive if I..." Don't need that. Such happenings don't enrich my life. So, the question then becomes "What to do about it?" No matter how rude you are to these people, they still try to be your friend. I've tried. I've scowled, I've ignored, I've glowered. You can't be rid of these people... unless they're talking to other people. That is what I have realized the last few years of trying to shop at this store.


One of two options work usually really well for me. The first is to do a "walk-by" to see A. how many employees are there and B. how many customers are in the store. If the Employee to Customer ratio isn't 1:1, I just don't go in. Screw it. B. If Phoebus is with me, I send him in as a diversionary tactic and then go in afterwards. A bit of the ol' Statue of Liberty play in football, applied to shopping. He goes in, then I dart in, get a look at the black hats and then quickly try to decide before they realize that Phoebus is a decoy-customer and start bombarding me with suggestions, compliments and other such buffoonry. Sometimes nothing works, sometimes you go in with the ratio being 1:1 AND the decoy and they still break through your defenses and flank you with their cannons of YO YO HAT G? The aspect I can't understand is that Lids is the only place like this. Foot Locker employees aren't like this. Champs Sports aren't like that, Copeland Sports... same. In fact, in Copeland Sports I find it hard to even find an employee that will help you, let alone someone like the Lids people.

Buying a hat shouldn't be akin to a military operation.