Search engine results covering from boredom to beastiality.

April/2005: Search Engine Results - As always, it is to my amusement -- and sometimes horror -- to see what search engine results bring people back to my site. People search for the stupidest things, and I enjoy mocking them. The batch of the last twenty somewhat take the cake.

29 Apr, Fri, 10:49:36 MSN Search: facial structure

This is the "new" MSN. It sucks. That's just another example.

29 Apr, Fri, 11:00:13 Google: Xavier Von Erck
30 Apr, Sat, 11:15:08 Google: Xavier Von Erck

Welcome! You've come to the right place! Why the hell you're wasting your time searching for me is absolutely beyond me, but hey, go nuts. This is your "Xavier Von Erck" headquarters. No website on the web will have more of me, than... my own... personal website. Whoot.

29 Apr, Fri, 11:07:50 Google: Al Roker Productions

Are very nice people. It was a joy working with producer Amy and they were very accomodating. Any production company that gives you a selection of cities to hit up in order to be interviewed by The Not-So-Big-Now Roker is a winner with me. I can't imagine why anyone would be searching for Al Roker Productions unless they were due to be interviewed by them for a documentary (or maybe his cooking show, hell if I know) but if you see this and are going to be interviewed by them, go for it! They're great.

29 Apr, Fri, 11:34:17 Google: "American Recordings V"

Good ol' Johnny Cash. I don't have anything here about this album, but at least there are people out there with good musical taste.

29 Apr, Fri, 12:52:49 Google: german head wear pictures

I'm surprising relevant for this. I wrote my little update on Lids and now I get head-wear results. Skippy. Sure, this guy didn't come and find what he was looking for, but at least now he knows not to go to Lids unless the place has less than three salespeople in it. Mission accomplished.

29 Apr, Fri, 12:55:17 Google: Rob Feinstein promotion

Doesn't exist at this point. We're just waiting for his no-compete clause to come up. He has never sought counseling and he isn't likely to before he tries to run another promotion. Guess what that means? Followup in whichever town he tries to run a promotion. Should be fun stuff.

29 Apr, Fri, 13:38:22 Google: "jennifer good" matt

Oddly enough, ol' Jenny Good gets a lot of search requests from Google. Far be it of me to question why. After all, vacuous ex-model ex-waitress dullards certainly are popular online. Feel free to linger down and read my write-up on just how stupid Jennifer Good is. She makes Jessica Simpson look like a Mensa member.

29 Apr, Fri, 14:01:00 Google: loud talkers

Amen, brother. Loud talkers are the worst.

29 Apr, Fri, 14:01:31 Google: what to do on the weekend when you're alone broke and bored

Well, you can always read my blog.


I like this search though, at least they're trying to search for something. Here's my suggestions for a bored and broke weekend...

Internet-wise - If I'm bored on the internet for a weekend, I'll go hit up Homestar Runner for a spell. Afterwards, it's time to check for updates on the Brick Testament. After that fun stuff, I'll go bounce around Wikipedia for a while to get some intellectual stimulation. By now, I'm tired of reading. So it's time to get Winamp and listen to some Indy Pop Rocks! on SomaFM which is featured on their radio station area, while I IM with other bored people online, of course. After that, I stay in Winamp and see if any of their television station features have anything worth watching. Usually you can find something. After all that, my eyes are ready for reading again, so it's time to check out ImprovEverywhere to see if they have any new updates. Then of course, see if there are new updates on Morphine Nation and Pop Cult. I can finish off the weekend by posting on my very own Monticello forums, which have forums for everything under the sun, from to MorphineNation to Pop Cult, to this very blog. A platter of social interaction, at your finger-tips.

Non-Internet: This is a little tougher, since the idea is being broke and bored. The internet is best for "Broke", heh. I'm going to assume that there's a car available. In that case, it's time to visit the nearest lake or river to do the unthinkably fun and cheap act of skipping rocks. Skipping rocks is damn fun. It's the only thing worthwhile to do in the wilderness, and it's free. Just pick up rocks and throw. There's nothing like getting a rock to bounce on water over great distances. Making a little competition for yourself to try to outpace the greatest distance is fun. Also dropping something that floats into a lake and trying to nail it with skipped rocks can keep the day going. I used to make little boats out of milk cartons or other cheap shit and then try to sink them with my blistering side-arm rock skipping.

An hour or two of skipping rocks should lead you into a couple hours of shooting basketball. Then, probably might want to relax and it's probably a warm day, so go to Waterfront park (assuming Portland, of course) and walk the park by the river, hit the giant freakin' fountain area... fun stuff. Since you're close, hit up Lloyd Center Mall for a little food. Why? You're broke right? Well, just about every shop in the food court will give you a free sample. Walk the food court, collect some tasty chinese and greek food, have the world's smallest mini-feast.

By this point, you should be tired of being outside and ready for some TV to finish off the night. Of course, this stuff doesn't work long-term, so either build a social network online or find one to get acclimated to. You'd be surprised how easy it is to wile away with the day with interesting discussion.

29 Apr, Fri, 19:02:13 MSN Search: pizza delivery men fucking

Sorry, I have no erotica here of the old "Horny female orders a pizza and pays with her body" cliche. Seriously, the life is a get a.

29 Apr, Fri, 19:25:41 MSN Search: dual face watch for ladies

Fucking MSN.

29 Apr, Fri, 20:23:06 Google: Online sex example convos

Man, I don't know WHERE you'd find something like that. Cough.

29 Apr, Fri, 21:00:15 Google: streaming video interview with henry kissinger

At least this person isn't looking for sex, but the very idea of streaming video with kissinger is amusing. I also am amused by the fact that this Google result goes to my article reviewing Super-Villain Team-Up where one of the villains turns out to be Kissinger. I need to go back to reviewing comics, that was fun.

29 Apr, Fri, 21:55:09 Google: Trish Stratus(Before WWE).mpg

Aha, yet another person searching for the often rumored Trish Stratus pre-WWE sex video. The mythical videotape showing compete Stratus-faction. Guess what? It doesn't exist, stupid. Stop searching for it. It's the Loch Ness of celebrity porn. There is no Trish Stratus sex tape, fucking fanboy. You should know this already... though I can't really blame you for searching. Heel Trish is the hotness.

29 Apr, Fri, 22:36:02 MSN Search: read and write and speak German

Fucking MSN.

30 Apr, Sat, 02:29:31 Google: ratzinger swastika

Wow, a relevant search result. I mean, wow. Congratulations Google!

30 Apr, Sat, 02:47:13 Google: bangbus storylines

Well, I take that back. Here's your bangbus storyline. Two losers driving around a small bus pick up some hapless female who just happens to be hot as fiery sin. Then they proposition her with cash to have sex with them. She does. Then they toss her out without paying. Wow, some storyline. Guess what? If you enjoy bangbus? You're gay. You're a homosexual.


Simple. The entire site predicates itself on a hatred of females and wanting to see them screwed over for male pleasure. That's not sex. That's not something that illustrates you being attracted to females. It means you want to see males getting off and getting "revenge" on those terrible females. Instead of searching for Bangbus, go suck a cock. That's what you really want to do anyways, you fucking loser.

30 Apr, Sat, 07:01:49 MSN Search: Unattractiveness

I'm the fourth result on the entire internet for Unattractiveness? Fucking MSN. You're not much of a looker yourself there, searchy.

30 Apr, Sat, 11:14:51 MSN Search: whores fucking animals

Fucking MS-wait. Whores fucking animals? Whores get paid money for sex. Animals don't have money... do they? What kind of site was this pervert thinking he'd find? A site where animals drive around in a bus, offering cash for females to have sex with them? I can just see it now, a Walrus and a Penguin, cruising the hot streets of Miami...

Animals don't have money. They can't buy prostitutes. They don't even have thumbs, the poor beasts. You will not find a whore fucking an animal. You may find some female paid to fuck an animal, and that female isn't a whore. She's technically a "porn star" since the laws of this great nation do not criminalize the act of being paid to have sex with a partner who is not doing the paying. They do criminalize being paid by the individual you are fucking, but not say, a producer or director. You see, getting paid to have sex with a horse isn't illegal because the horse isn't paying. If the horse paid the whore directly, the horse would then be breaking the law.

That's right, under the laws of most states... it's better to be paid to fuck a horse than it is to be paid directly by a male to fuck him. You can thank the religious right for that one. Smart fellows, they are. Even in states with beastiality laws, you certainly don't see police doing stings to catch such pornographers. It just happens, unabated.

Oh shit, a knock at my door. Who is it... fuck, help it's a Jerry Falwell... run-in... murhfhfgghhh...

Why yes, it is okay to fuck a horse if a man pays you. Especially if that man is me. But don't fuck a man if a man pays you. That'd be a sin and a crime, harlot. Now everyone should leave and visit Liberty College School of Law and forget about this dreadfully sinful blog.

I hate...

April/2005: Personal - I'm going to be a typical LJ'esque blogger for an entry and give you a list of things I hate. This is as gothy as I get.

I hate... that the KFC I go to always fucks up my order. I don't want gravy. Don't put gravy on my mashed potatoes. Don't ruin my food, That's all I ask. Yet, that's all I never receive.

I hate... my library card late fees. Look, I know I checked out a book for a few months too many while I was in high school. I'm not giving you the sixty dollars. Just forget about it and let me check out books again. I won't keep them forever this time. Fucking christ, a couple of our convicted guys end up with just probation and you're sentencing me to a life without free bookery? Library-nazi's.

I hate... this little feather toy I have for Moxie. Each morning, I wake up with the feather toy next to me. It's like the godly "Wake up to the King" Burger King commercials but with a cat toy. One day it was under the covers. Each night I stick it in the cat tree. Each morning, it's laying by my side. I know you love to play with the toy Moxie, but let my old, old ass get out awake before I'm expected to swing the long plastic stick with feathers around. I'm not a machine! :(

I hate... green hard plastic lawn furniture. MY BACK IS KILLING ME ARGH. Sure, I'm not in great shape (Yet baby, yet) but nobody is going to survivle HARD GREEN PLASTIC LAWN FURNITURE. Why do they make this crap? My back feels like someone fused it together with a bad blowtorch. I'm going to be pissy for at least two days about it. Fuck.

I hate... The fact that "New Pope Media" hasn't died off yet. There are real stories in this world. Please go back to covering them. They're good stories, I swear! GO TO WORK MEDIA. Find better stories!

I hate... The fact that I have to wake up at Seven AM tomorrow to do radio. I love radio, I just hate Seven AM. I wake up, I'm staying up a bit. So that will screw up my sleep schedule. I'm going to be so tired. Maybe I can tank the interview on purpose, and admit that the entire plan of PeeJ is to destroy Mars. It's true. You read it here first.

I hate... The fact that I haven't started round 3 of the Pop Cult's most annoying celebrities tournament yet. Go Martin Short!

I hate... How tasty the Spicy Chicken Burrito is at Taco Bell, so long as you request the fiesta sauce to be held off. Buddy christ, that's a good burrito.

I hate... My hair. God, that's so female to even write. When I wash it, it looks like crap. If I don't wash my hair for a couple days, it starts to look great. Why? You are dirty hair. Dirty hair should not look better than clean hair. Yet it does. And it's more manageable. That means that Dirt > Mousse. I look like a big poofy haired gay after I wash it. If I let it go, it's the dory without the hunky, natch. Still, why is dirty hair better? Maybe it's time to get Dredlocks. I can go be rasta with all the other posers.

I hate... That I haven't talked to one of my few actual friends for a couple weeks now. But guess what? Once I do get to talk to you, WOW, will I have stories to tell!

I hate... the fact that the great and interesting stories I have on store to tell her are not able to be told on this blog. If I could write about anything and everything without a care towards operational security? This blog would be great, all the time. But I can't. I can't talk about the recent arrests. I can't talk about the recent media. I can't talk about a very interesting upcoming trial of a perv, and the even more interesting charges he is facing. No, I can't talk about it. I hate that.

I hate... Morphine Jim's PSP. Oh wait, it doesn't exist.

I hate... My own thrifty nature. For example, grocery shopping. I cannot pay more for an item that I have ever bought at sale. Can't do it. So if I see a killer sale, it's great because hey, it's a killer sale. But then? I will likely not be able to buy the product again for a few months. For example, right now they have Ice Cream on sale, two for six bucks. Sound good? Wrong! It was just two for five bucks a couple months ago. No sale. Pizza? They tried to pass off a four dollar for twelve buck deal on Red Baron's. I about spit. I 've bought the "Pizzeria" style for less than that before, let alone the classic! Four or ten or I'm not buying. On everything, I am that way. I would rather go hungry than pay anything over lowest possible price. In a few years, inflation will have killed my ability to eat. Then I will starve and die.

I hate... Vonage. How dare you not offer security features for your phone plans! Can't block numbers which are themselves, blocked? Bullshit! Can't block specific phone numbers from dialing over and over? Bullshit! Go to hell for a while while I use a competitor. Oh snapalackelcrackalackel.

I hate... Loud. You don't need to yell! You don't need to! You never need to yell! I don't yell. I save yelling for really important occasions, like say a detective bashing an abducted kid or gravy on my mashed potatoes. There are two kinds of talkers... loud-talkers and low-talkers. Why do I always meet the loud-talkers? Fun fact: I once had a date end abruptly because of this very issue. I talked too low for her to hear, she talked too loud for me to deal with. The entire world could stand to be much more quiet.

I hate... Scraping your fork against your teeth. Or gravely bowl. Makes me want to murder. With blood.

I hate... The fact that I'm not asleep right now. I really would like to be. It would be nice. I'm tired. But I can't go to sleep since I'm awaiting an important IM. No, it's not your's. Moxie's asleep on me. Colby is sleeping atop his castle. Everyone is asleep in the world but me. Fuck.

I hate... That I cannot seem to catch the last two episodes of the Surreal Life, no matter what I do. I keep catching the marathons of it. I get right up to the same show I've seen three times, the fucking dirty laundry episode. Why aren't they tacking on the last two episodes to the marathons? VH1 seriously needs help on how to schedule their programming. I also have not seen the final episode of Celebrity Fit Club.

I hate... Those shows. They're so enticingly rice cake vacuous. Yet, I continue to watch.

I hate... Soreness from basketball. And the fact that I'm only back playing a lot of basketball because I've been watching far too much of Celebirty Fit Club. If that fat fuck Ralphie can lose weight, that quickly, then I'm going to be back at my optimal weight by the end of summer. Internet be damned!

I hate... Whenever that I once again find that all the best people are always so far away. I blame the internet. Back in the 1800's, people just had to make due with the shit in their own hometown. They attended meetings and dances and shit to try to find anyone, someone that worked while molding the community to try to produce good people. Now? The internet connects you to good people, yet they are in say, Alaska. Or Sri Lanka. I don't care where, but they're never in Portland. That's because our weather is so pleasant that it creates few of we hard-bitten cynics.

I hate... Jay Alternative's fashion sense. Look buddy, I know you're gay. But whenever you suggest clothes? They suck. They suck! The entire belief that gay guys can improve the "look" of straight guys is rooted in stupidity. Unless you have cash, females don't care how you dress so long as you don't look stupid. No, they just care that you have cash. Rightfully so, may I add. You gays just try to gay up we straight people to make us look gay and appealing to you gays. Gay with the gayness of gaying all around the gay-town. That's all I have to say about that.

I hate... These sorts of entries. Stop whining people. I read so many LJ's now of people so self absorbed that they whine, whine, whine. At least make it comical. Make it something. Something more than "Look, this person has problems we all have, but handles them poorly." One line posts talking about how terrible your life are should be left to the same drama whores that look up to as something to be inspired by. Stop whining. Give us something more.

I hate... Sandals. Wear shoes. You're not in the third world. Stop acting like it.

I hate much more, but you know about it all, already.

There is just too much to hate. Aww.

But it's too much fun to not hate.

I ask, are they a billion Nazi's now?

April/2005: World Events - It takes a lot to stir me from apathetic atheism (Self-coined: Apatheism) since I really could not care about much of anything that has to be with religion. Someone asked me in IM if I was going to comment on the Pope's passing on my blog. Hell no. Why would I care? Old people who own silly hats die each and every day. The only thing mildly interesting about the Pope's death was the simple fact that it was the first Pope to die during my life. Curiousity necessitated watching much of the coverage just to see how over-the-top the media laid into it. I was not disappointed. Or I was. Depends on how you look at it.
The only positive thing I could say about John Paul the 2nd is that he was at least a man who knew suffering and who understood tyranny. You have to respect those who suffered during World War 2 and those who fought against dictatorships. Those who fought for the freedom and lives of others. World War 2 is filled with thousands of stories of average people, good people, rising up to help others in those dark years. So John Paul the 2nd deserved respect for that. At least he had that in his corner to try to offset his hard-line nature on various Catholic issues, such as the disavowal of married priests, female priests, etc, etc. Positions that directly led to the pedophile scandals that hit the church here in America. He was hard to hate due to his World War 2 history. I was quite content to ignore anything and everything he said.

Pretty much exactly how I want it always to be.

Then they had to go elect the new Pope.


Look at this creepy, evil fucker

The new Pope is like "new Coke." Crap. Pure and total crap. As stated, the one thing JP-2 had going for him was that he knew oppression. He lived through the darkest ages. He was, as a youth, an enslaved worker for the Germans. He saw massive upheaval. His neighborhood was heavily Jewish. Not so after the war. He saw friends die and friends suffer. He knew the danger of totalitarian regimes. As Pope, he moved the church away from heavy socialistic regimes and was far warmer to Capitalism than previous pontiffs. Quite the change from Pope's like Pius the Tenth and others who helped fascism thrive with their position of nothing. Those qualities are not found in the "New Pope."

Joseph Ratzinger is not fit to be Pope. He is a disgusting man. Unlike JP-2, he did not know oppression. He was an oppressor. We literally went from a Pope who was downtrodden to a Pope that did the downtrodding. Sound harsh? Probably. But is it true? Definitely.

Ratzinger joined the Hitler Youth in 1941. While joining was compulsorary, you did not see Ratzinger and his family fleeing Germany at the time. Ratzinger was a member of the Hitler Youth for two years, until he was sixteen. Once sixteen, he was drafted into the German army. Again, you did not see the Ratzinger's resist or flee. Joseph was a good little Nazi, working as an anti-aircraft gunner to protect airplane engine factories. The workforce of this factory? Concentration camp slaves from Dachau. Yeah, that Dachau. How many allied planes did he fire upon? How many rounds did he discharge into the air from his anti-aircraft battery? We'll never know, really. Did he kill allied pilots seeking to liberate Europe from the scourge of the Nazi menace? Again, we'll never know. He was later sent closer to the front lines in Hungary. There, he set up tank traps and was in close proximity to Hungarian Jews, whom were herded away into train cars to be fed into the cess-pool that was inner Nazi Germany. All through 1943, Ratzinger was a soldier in good standing with the German army. Coincidentally, 1943 saw a massive reversal of fortune across all fronts.

By 1944, Germany was retreating and the war was lost. The losses mounted. Morale in the German army plummeted. Suddenly, the Ubermensch weren't so "uber" anymore. In January of '44, Soviet troops are already as close as Poland, entering into that country at this point. Soviet advances across the entire Eastern front scare the shit out of the Germans, knowing what sort of beasts the Russians are. It is only at this point, April of 1944, when plain-thinking Germans would know the war was lost... that Joesph Ratzinger deserted. It is only once the war was lost that Ratzinger left the German army. A smart move, really, since sticking it out meant certain death. However, the timing is less than "divine."

Ratzinger did not desert when confronted with slaves from a concentration camp. He didn't desert when he saw Jews being persecuted in Hungary. He did not desert rather than fire rounds at allied planes. He only deserted once he felt his life was in mortal danger. He spent well over a year in the army of Nazi Germany. Over a full year wearing the Swastika and making war. While Ratzinger insists that he never fired a shot and was "compulsed", you have to look at the situation logically. What do you do when you man an anti-aircraft gun guarding a sensitive factory? You fire it at allied planes. True, he may not have fired his personal firearm, but he fired far more than that with possible deadly consequences.

Ratzinger also goes on to claim that he was opposed to the regime, but to show that opposition would have meant "certain death." This is commonly known as the "Nuremberg Defense." It didn't really work there, and it shouldn't work in the case of Ratzinger. Not only because it's a false defense, but that he DID show opposition to the regime. Not ideologically, but in the form of desertion. Deserting the German army was no small deal. It could've meant death in 1943 or in 1944. However, he did not desert before manning anti-aircraft guns or before herding around slaves and Jews, he deserted only when he knew the German war effort had lost. That is not an ideological desertion, that is a desertion of convenience. Ratzinger did not leave the German army because he was opposed to the German army... had he done so, he would have deserved a full year earlier. He only left the German army when the risks of staying outweighed the positives. Cowardice, not bravery.

Besides, many Germans did oppose the regime. The German underground was in play even during times of strength... and definitely during times of weakness. Besides, I'm not expecting Ratzinger to have had the bravery of say a, Colonel Claus Schenk von Stauffenberg, who made the best attempt on Hitler's life... we're simply expecting Ratzinger to be a man who did more than "Follow orders" until such time that he felt his own life was in danger. We did not excuse other Nazi's who used the "following orders" excuse... why should we excuse a man who is now Pope?

Perhaps my outrage is even more personalized due to the flack I have received for naming the website after my personal hero, John Rabe. As written elsewhere in these pages, during WW2 a businessman named John Rabe saved a couple hundred thousand Chinese from Japanese atrocity by nearly force of will alone. That, and a handy habit of shoving his swastika in various Japanese faces to try to get protection for his beloved Chinese of Nanking. Rabe had never been to Nazi Germany, only joining the party once it became compulsorary. Besides, his only real knowledge of what was occuring in his homeland was via German news reports... not exactly the most reliable. Upon his return to Germany after being recalled by Siemens, Rabe mistakenly thought the Nazi leadership would care about the plight of the massacred. He showed films of Japanese atrocity in Berlin and wrote to Hitler of the acts. These attempts met Rabe with the Gestapo, who beat him and confiscated his films. Under threat of death, Rabe was stuck in Berlin. An enemy in the eyes of the Nazi regime. The beatings combined with the stress of watching Japanese, and soon, Russian atrocities ended Rabe's life early. He died shortly after the war. Unlike the new Nazi Pope, he did not goosestep. John Rabe paid the price for this. I have paid the "price" for my admiration of Rabe. I was openly libeled as a Nazi myself due to my recognition of Rabe's greatness by a Kansas City tabloid newspaper. I was then asked by Al Roker during a CourtTV interview if I, yes, myself... was a Nazi. And why? Because I was learned about history and find a hero in a man who was only a Nazi in name, but not in act.

Meanwhile, nobody is calling a billion Catholics "nazi's" when there is far greater justification to do so! If Ratzinger is now the voice of god on Earth, then the voice of god on Earth is speaking through a former active Nazi. When I'm grouped as a Nazi due to the poorly-termed "worship" of a great dead man who opposed tyranny and massacre of all flavor, yet Catholics are not while literally worshipping a man who was in league with those actual devils, I must remark that the world is a very fucked up place indeed. It is an intellectual crime that this man is now Pope. It is an intellectual crime that few have looked with discerning eye upon his wartime record. He has lied when he states that he did not fire a shot. You do not sit in an anti-aircraft gun for months on end without firing bursts at allied planes. That is bullshit. He is a liar when he says he deserted the German army in opposition to their ideology. He served over a year without doing so. He is a liar when he says that he could not take any other route. The new Pope is nothing more than a lying Nazi dirtbag.

The pious among you may be thinking that I'm being overly harsh. That this man, or any ex-Nazi, can turn over a good leaf. That his acts and statements since the war should be taken into account. I welcome that thought process. Because taking his after-WW2 activites in scope with the fact that he was/is a Nazi simply paints a picture that is all the more frightening. In 1987, Ratzinger declared that Jewish teachings and scripture only reach fulfillment when they accept Christ as their lord and savior. That is anti-semitism. That is a religious proclamation attacking Judaism. Perhaps it would be forgiveable done by someone other than a man who served willingly in the Nazi army. He has claimed that homosexuals - another Nazi target for extermination - suffered from an "objective disorder." Terminology not that different from how Hitler viewed gays after ascending to power and creating the Third Reich. His nickname as the "Panzer Cardinal" has been earned due to his force of nature and uncompromising hatred of those who walk a different path from Catholics. That is the mentality of Joseph Ratzinger, now known as Pope Benedict the Sixteenth.

A mentality not that different from the one commonly held in Germany, 1943.


April/2005: PeeJ Stuff - Recently I had the pleasure of speaking to the 27th annual Crime Prevention of Oregon conference. I haven't done any "podium-speak" in years. You don't really forget how, but it takes a while to get comfortable again. I've never had a formal podium posture, I prefer to lean on it forward, and then scan the crowd. Probably isn't the best looking way to do it, but it works for me. We were invited to speak at the convention by the organizer, a nice guy named Rick. Apparently last year we were a hot topic due to the PDX Group Media Bust and they wanted to know about internet solicitation, grooming, and have presenters talk about various ways to fight them. So he contacted me, I said "sure" and voila, everything was set up. I probably made ten missteps along the way, since I've never been invited to speak at a convention.

Most social and professional arrangements have certain unwritten rules you're supposed to abide by. I rarely know any of them. For example, there's a certain etiquette about when and how to meet the parents of the person you're dating. There's a certain way you're supposed to treat media. None of this stuff comes with any manual. I just play it by ear. I was probably supposed to bring a cake or something. You truly never know.

We were allotted an hour and a half to do the speech and give a Q and A. A pretty lengthy time. I decided to get Harv to come up for it, since she's very good with this sort of thing. We gave Phoebus a small amount of time to talk about technical issues and the technology we use... and another contributor a segment to talk about their experiences on the website and how kids are today in general. I figure a rotation of four different speakers covering different areas would make the speech far more interesting than just myself warbling on for quite a while. The audience seemed very receptive. You could see the literal revulsion when describing webcam invites and how prevalent they are. People seemed outright disgusted when talking about the different types of teen rooms on Yahoo and how flooded they are by perverts. The first segment, myself talking about the history and methodology of the site was probably fairly boring, as it's a dry subject. The second segment was Harv, who did a great job injecting some levity and talking about her experiences on the site, most notably working with law enforcement. I then popped in with a breakdown of the Taylor recovery and lessons LE should take from it. We switched back and forth, doing 8-15 minute blocks apiece. While I wish I would have had a budget to do some graphs and paper handouts, it wasn't a bad effort for our first time.

Perhaps the most enjoyable aspect was the after-speech "schmoozing", for want of a better term. Having four people there allowed us to fan out and talk with everyone who wished to catch us, one-on-one. I was surprised and pleased by how many LE and other community notables had ideas and desires for us to speak to beat police, high schools, parental community gatherings, etc. I accepted each idea thrown at me, because hey... why not? Might as well go speak to whomever about the issue, so long as they cover transportation and a night's lodging if it's far away. After doing SEEEEEEEE-POW! (As an official dork, that's how I've been pronouncing it to myself for months), I have a clearer idea of how to prepare the material. Seeing how Kerry Tomlinson of KPTV presented her portion prior to ours was a nice illustration of another way to take it. She did a great job, as expected. Otherwise, everyone was very inquisitive and complimentary. Very cool people. It was nice to get out and meet some people face-to-face and discuss various issues about internet solicitation that are not media-affiliated. A rare treat. Makes me second-guess the various conferences and gatherings I've turned down over the last year.

Hell, the CPAO people even gave some decent swag!

Handy certificate, CPAO mug o'candy and speaker designation

Hopefully some additional presentation opportunities come up, as that exceeded my expectations in just about every possible way. Plus, it was nice to put to use some of the only "valuable" skills I learned while in college for once.