Search engine results covering from boredom to beastiality.

April/2005: Search Engine Results - As always, it is to my amusement -- and sometimes horror -- to see what search engine results bring people back to my site. People search for the stupidest things, and I enjoy mocking them. The batch of the last twenty somewhat take the cake.

29 Apr, Fri, 10:49:36 MSN Search: facial structure

This is the "new" MSN. It sucks. That's just another example.

29 Apr, Fri, 11:00:13 Google: Xavier Von Erck
30 Apr, Sat, 11:15:08 Google: Xavier Von Erck

Welcome! You've come to the right place! Why the hell you're wasting your time searching for me is absolutely beyond me, but hey, go nuts. This is your "Xavier Von Erck" headquarters. No website on the web will have more of me, than... my own... personal website. Whoot.

29 Apr, Fri, 11:07:50 Google: Al Roker Productions

Are very nice people. It was a joy working with producer Amy and they were very accomodating. Any production company that gives you a selection of cities to hit up in order to be interviewed by The Not-So-Big-Now Roker is a winner with me. I can't imagine why anyone would be searching for Al Roker Productions unless they were due to be interviewed by them for a documentary (or maybe his cooking show, hell if I know) but if you see this and are going to be interviewed by them, go for it! They're great.

29 Apr, Fri, 11:34:17 Google: "American Recordings V"

Good ol' Johnny Cash. I don't have anything here about this album, but at least there are people out there with good musical taste.

29 Apr, Fri, 12:52:49 Google: german head wear pictures

I'm surprising relevant for this. I wrote my little update on Lids and now I get head-wear results. Skippy. Sure, this guy didn't come and find what he was looking for, but at least now he knows not to go to Lids unless the place has less than three salespeople in it. Mission accomplished.

29 Apr, Fri, 12:55:17 Google: Rob Feinstein promotion

Doesn't exist at this point. We're just waiting for his no-compete clause to come up. He has never sought counseling and he isn't likely to before he tries to run another promotion. Guess what that means? Followup in whichever town he tries to run a promotion. Should be fun stuff.

29 Apr, Fri, 13:38:22 Google: "jennifer good" matt

Oddly enough, ol' Jenny Good gets a lot of search requests from Google. Far be it of me to question why. After all, vacuous ex-model ex-waitress dullards certainly are popular online. Feel free to linger down and read my write-up on just how stupid Jennifer Good is. She makes Jessica Simpson look like a Mensa member.

29 Apr, Fri, 14:01:00 Google: loud talkers

Amen, brother. Loud talkers are the worst.

29 Apr, Fri, 14:01:31 Google: what to do on the weekend when you're alone broke and bored

Well, you can always read my blog.


I like this search though, at least they're trying to search for something. Here's my suggestions for a bored and broke weekend...

Internet-wise - If I'm bored on the internet for a weekend, I'll go hit up Homestar Runner for a spell. Afterwards, it's time to check for updates on the Brick Testament. After that fun stuff, I'll go bounce around Wikipedia for a while to get some intellectual stimulation. By now, I'm tired of reading. So it's time to get Winamp and listen to some Indy Pop Rocks! on SomaFM which is featured on their radio station area, while I IM with other bored people online, of course. After that, I stay in Winamp and see if any of their television station features have anything worth watching. Usually you can find something. After all that, my eyes are ready for reading again, so it's time to check out ImprovEverywhere to see if they have any new updates. Then of course, see if there are new updates on Morphine Nation and Pop Cult. I can finish off the weekend by posting on my very own Monticello forums, which have forums for everything under the sun, from to MorphineNation to Pop Cult, to this very blog. A platter of social interaction, at your finger-tips.

Non-Internet: This is a little tougher, since the idea is being broke and bored. The internet is best for "Broke", heh. I'm going to assume that there's a car available. In that case, it's time to visit the nearest lake or river to do the unthinkably fun and cheap act of skipping rocks. Skipping rocks is damn fun. It's the only thing worthwhile to do in the wilderness, and it's free. Just pick up rocks and throw. There's nothing like getting a rock to bounce on water over great distances. Making a little competition for yourself to try to outpace the greatest distance is fun. Also dropping something that floats into a lake and trying to nail it with skipped rocks can keep the day going. I used to make little boats out of milk cartons or other cheap shit and then try to sink them with my blistering side-arm rock skipping.

An hour or two of skipping rocks should lead you into a couple hours of shooting basketball. Then, probably might want to relax and it's probably a warm day, so go to Waterfront park (assuming Portland, of course) and walk the park by the river, hit the giant freakin' fountain area... fun stuff. Since you're close, hit up Lloyd Center Mall for a little food. Why? You're broke right? Well, just about every shop in the food court will give you a free sample. Walk the food court, collect some tasty chinese and greek food, have the world's smallest mini-feast.

By this point, you should be tired of being outside and ready for some TV to finish off the night. Of course, this stuff doesn't work long-term, so either build a social network online or find one to get acclimated to. You'd be surprised how easy it is to wile away with the day with interesting discussion.

29 Apr, Fri, 19:02:13 MSN Search: pizza delivery men fucking

Sorry, I have no erotica here of the old "Horny female orders a pizza and pays with her body" cliche. Seriously, the life is a get a.

29 Apr, Fri, 19:25:41 MSN Search: dual face watch for ladies

Fucking MSN.

29 Apr, Fri, 20:23:06 Google: Online sex example convos

Man, I don't know WHERE you'd find something like that. Cough.

29 Apr, Fri, 21:00:15 Google: streaming video interview with henry kissinger

At least this person isn't looking for sex, but the very idea of streaming video with kissinger is amusing. I also am amused by the fact that this Google result goes to my article reviewing Super-Villain Team-Up where one of the villains turns out to be Kissinger. I need to go back to reviewing comics, that was fun.

29 Apr, Fri, 21:55:09 Google: Trish Stratus(Before WWE).mpg

Aha, yet another person searching for the often rumored Trish Stratus pre-WWE sex video. The mythical videotape showing compete Stratus-faction. Guess what? It doesn't exist, stupid. Stop searching for it. It's the Loch Ness of celebrity porn. There is no Trish Stratus sex tape, fucking fanboy. You should know this already... though I can't really blame you for searching. Heel Trish is the hotness.

29 Apr, Fri, 22:36:02 MSN Search: read and write and speak German

Fucking MSN.

30 Apr, Sat, 02:29:31 Google: ratzinger swastika

Wow, a relevant search result. I mean, wow. Congratulations Google!

30 Apr, Sat, 02:47:13 Google: bangbus storylines

Well, I take that back. Here's your bangbus storyline. Two losers driving around a small bus pick up some hapless female who just happens to be hot as fiery sin. Then they proposition her with cash to have sex with them. She does. Then they toss her out without paying. Wow, some storyline. Guess what? If you enjoy bangbus? You're gay. You're a homosexual.


Simple. The entire site predicates itself on a hatred of females and wanting to see them screwed over for male pleasure. That's not sex. That's not something that illustrates you being attracted to females. It means you want to see males getting off and getting "revenge" on those terrible females. Instead of searching for Bangbus, go suck a cock. That's what you really want to do anyways, you fucking loser.

30 Apr, Sat, 07:01:49 MSN Search: Unattractiveness

I'm the fourth result on the entire internet for Unattractiveness? Fucking MSN. You're not much of a looker yourself there, searchy.

30 Apr, Sat, 11:14:51 MSN Search: whores fucking animals

Fucking MS-wait. Whores fucking animals? Whores get paid money for sex. Animals don't have money... do they? What kind of site was this pervert thinking he'd find? A site where animals drive around in a bus, offering cash for females to have sex with them? I can just see it now, a Walrus and a Penguin, cruising the hot streets of Miami...

Animals don't have money. They can't buy prostitutes. They don't even have thumbs, the poor beasts. You will not find a whore fucking an animal. You may find some female paid to fuck an animal, and that female isn't a whore. She's technically a "porn star" since the laws of this great nation do not criminalize the act of being paid to have sex with a partner who is not doing the paying. They do criminalize being paid by the individual you are fucking, but not say, a producer or director. You see, getting paid to have sex with a horse isn't illegal because the horse isn't paying. If the horse paid the whore directly, the horse would then be breaking the law.

That's right, under the laws of most states... it's better to be paid to fuck a horse than it is to be paid directly by a male to fuck him. You can thank the religious right for that one. Smart fellows, they are. Even in states with beastiality laws, you certainly don't see police doing stings to catch such pornographers. It just happens, unabated.

Oh shit, a knock at my door. Who is it... fuck, help it's a Jerry Falwell... run-in... murhfhfgghhh...

Why yes, it is okay to fuck a horse if a man pays you. Especially if that man is me. But don't fuck a man if a man pays you. That'd be a sin and a crime, harlot. Now everyone should leave and visit Liberty College School of Law and forget about this dreadfully sinful blog.