Talentless celebrity whores and the Xavier who hates them

March/2005: Stupid People - So this weekend absolutely nothing was going on here in the land we know as Netville. That gave me plenty of time to annoy the world's truest friend, Erika. Erika is cool for many reasons. However, one reason she is not cool is because she often IM's me with links that HURT MY BRAIN. I think she has undertaken this special task to keep the "Angry" in the German. Or she just likes seeing me flame people. Or perhaps because talking about her deep dark feelings for me is too overwhelming, so instead she holds back such verbiage by hitting me with links to morons, holding off for yet another day the ultimate professing of LURVE she holds inside.

Hey, I know which reality I prefer.

...though the situation is likely more akin to why Laura talked to Ben on the Dr. Katz cartoon.

Usually the morons she brings to my attention harken from some snarky movie review forum, or people who have unfortunately made the news. This weekend though, she gave me one that broke the jello mold. A person so stupid, so vacuous, that yes, she merits her own blogger update. This woman's name is Jennifer Good and she is decidedly not... good. At all. Or anything. I'll illustrate with belabored points soon.

Ol' Jennifer Good is married to one of Erika's favorite singers, Matt Good. You likely haven't heard of Matt Good. That's because he's Canadian. I have a few Matt Good songs. He's not half-bad. The problem with Matt Good is that he's a socialist. A really annoying socialist. You know, one of those singers that thinks... "Hey, I can sing... so people want to hear about what I think!" This is untrue. No person on the planet whom has the itsy-bitsy'est of a brain wants to hear about a singers political affiliations. Your job is to sing, monkey, sing the songs that you can sing. You're not a politician, you're not a great thinker... hell, you shouldn't even attempt complicated math. Just relax and sing. That's what we want you to do, we don't want you to write stupid blogger updates all day, putting off the very thing that made you quasi-famous in the first place, yes, that's right, the singing. Just sing. And Sean Penn, just act. No more talkie. Just act and sing and be the vacuous celebrities that we know you are.

What's worse than a vacuous celebrity with a soap box? Pop quiz!

A. Moldy pie.
B. Moxie brand cola.
C. "Because of Winn Dixie."
D. Any Arab language.
E. The vacuous celebrities wife with a similar soapbox.

The answer? A, D and E. Three-way tie. Moldy pie is bad, arab languages are very annoying to hear and today's topic, of course... the vacuous celebrities wife with a similar soapbox! Ten points to everyone who got the correct answers.

Now, before I eviscerate this idiot, I'd like to state a disclaimer:

Disclaimer: The following opinions are mine and are not necessarily those of Erika, whom has met Matt Good and would gladly marry him if only he were single and sane. Even though the following opinions are likewise shared by Erika, she would not normally admit them since she is such a hugh fangirl of Matthew Good, because doing so could imperil a future marriage to Matt "The United States manufactures SUV's out of little mangled Canadian puppies" Good. This disclaimer indemnifies Erika from having any of these opinions held against her in a future celebrity-relationship to be named later.

Before we begin, a link will be necessary so you can read along while I go over the major points of why this person is an idiot, and why no pseudo-celebrity should ever give a girlfriend her own blog on his website. That's right ladies, marry me and you get no blog. Sorry. Such a horror, even if the blog were good, should never be inflicted upon the fans or readers of anyone. Let alone the serious-socialist conspiracy theorists that Matt Good attracts with his blog.

THE LINK TO DUMB Notice the giant pink fuzzy text and the little white background. Notice the fact that the left table menu is now stuck down at the bottom due to bad coding. Yes, notice it all, because I will painstakingly point it all out in my usual overbearing manner anyways. If you're interested in seeing the difference between the husbands blog and the wifes blog, I'll link you to his as well. THE LINK TO A DIFFERENT FORM OF DUMB. Yes, again notice that the poor coding has caused the right table to travel south for the winter, escaping the snowy ranges of Northern Canadian blogs. As of this writing, Matt Good has an entry up talking about the terrible nature of America's two-party system, basically ignoring that his own country has only one real dominant party that continually has the same sort of government elected for the last fifteen years or so.

Still, the wife is even dumber.

Jennifer Good is one of those people who can't really get over herself. She's a vacuous blonde, who disturbingly...

...looks like a younger twin of Ann Coulter

Now, I'll admit, Jennifer Good is physically attractive in that "If I were bored one night and she were lying in my bed naked, yeah, I'd have sex with her twice" kind of way. But sadly, she's not attractive in the "After doing so I would have conversation with her, take her out for breakfast and enjoy her intellect" kind of way. The latter, far better than the former. You see, I'm not even convinced that this woman has a brain. You may think it impossible for a human to live without a brain... but after I quote some of her... ahem, writings... you'll see that I may not be far off.

In a post called...
Did the US Army poison my best friend?
The moron writes:

My girlfriend Melissa lives in Boulder, Colorado. I know, I'm sad for her too. Last night she went out with some school buddies and admittedly got really, really drunk. So drunk in fact that I received a text message from her last night that said "I think I frank too much". Anyway, she woke up this morning in the hospital. Apparently she was taken from downtown Boulder (God knows where) in an ambulance with the full on lights & sounds, a fire truck and 2 police escorts. She has absolutley no recollection. The last thing she remembers is playing pool (I think that's what she said) with some US Soldiers. Not only did she completely black out, but she now has a bump on the middle of her forehead that resembles a goose egg. I guess she got a catscan at the hospital, and IV's in her arms & calves. So, I'm thinking that because I've known her for a decade And we used to be idiots in our teenage years and race to see who could get the drunkest at the bar And we never ended up in the hospital with a total blackout - that she was slipped something. What a scary thought. Luckily, I don't think she left her friends' sight besides being in the hospital.

I told her to take some pictures of herself so I could post them but she hasn't done it yet. To be continued...

Now, call me "Captain Meanguy" but let's say I have a female friend in Colorado who is slipped a knockout drug by some moron males while being moronic herself and drinking a ton of alcohol in a bar. Who then ends up in the hospital with a giant bump on her head. Pop quiz time!

Do I...
A. Ask my friend if she got "any hot action?"
B. Realize the person is stupid and should not be my friend.
C. Fly to Colorado to take advantage in her time of need.
D. Go fight soldiers in honor of her.
E. Pester her to send me pictures of her bumped noggin so I can show my fluffer friends.

If you said E, congratulations, you're as dumb as Jennifer Good. But the dumb doesn't end there, my friends, oh no, I'm just getting you started on a full-time buffet of "all she can not think." Best part? No charge.

In a post called...
Wait, they don't love you like I love you
The moron writes:

I want a tattoo. But I'm scared. Just a teeny tiny one. On my wrist. I may get one today. I may not.

That is a blog update. I write blog updates. Some of them aren't very good. I freely admit this. However, the above is not a blogger update. It's stupid. It's the thought process of a bored housewife with no skills other than to suck the cock of her pseudo-celebrity boyfriend. This model-reject-yet-model-brainless woman sits around, multiple times a day, expressing her opinions as if anyone really gives a crap were it not for the fact that she's the peppy pink lovemuffin of an inanely socialist hypocrite? Nada would give a shit otherwise, except those creepy males whom would like to get inside of her pants. Yet the blog entry in question? Twenty comments. That's right, those who are "pseudo-celebrities by blowjob proxy" can get twenty comments on their stupid mindless-mental wonderings of the world. That's the society we live in, where flashy-gash raises interest despite the fact that the whole thing, when looked at dispassionately, is the equivalent of a dyslexic kindergarten spelling bee mentally.

In a post called...
Where's your head at - at??
The moron writes:

But guess what!!! I just watched America's Next Top Model and I feel a whole lot better about myself. Not in an arrogant way, but come on - these girls are bawling because they were eliminated and it was their "life long dream" and now their hearts are broken and their dreams are crushed! Boo hoo. If you really wanted to be a model this whole time why wouldn't you get off your fat fucking asses and do something about it instead of waiting for some bullshit tv show to come through your hick little towns.

Yah, you wanted it real bad.

Irony. It's a sublime thing. I thought I had seen the most ironic thing I could ever have possibly seen when I observed Courtney Love commenting on the "intellegence" of someone else when we used to troll the Hole.com message boards. I was wrong. The most ironic thing I have ever seen is that blog-post I just quoted. Yes, that is easily the most ironic thing I've ever seen. You literally have a moron, only in the social class she is in because of nice facial structure leading to a marriage to a shallow pseudo-celebrity... mocking the idiocy of females entering America's Next Top Model. Let's ignore the fact that you'd have to have the intellect of a fucking caveman to enjoy that show to begin with, therefore forfeiting all natural rights to complain about the proceedings, not to mention the right to bitch about the intellect of the morons on the show. You're the moron WATCHING the show. You're worse. Not only that, but you're a idiot whose only claim to fame is the name whose adoption to you bring shame. "Fat fucking asses" - On America's Next Top Model? Hello Anorexia.

Then there's this stinking piece of crap post which includes the following paragraph. Prepare yourselves, it's likely the dumbest yet.

Is 'Jabs' a word. Like, when someone jabs you. It was a 63-point word in scrabble 'cause it was a double letter, triple word score. I think it's a word, but then again I have started my own language called Jenglish. I use the Jenglish word 'drinkin' a lot. I'll use it in a sentence just to show you: I've drinkin 2 martinis already. I know 'drank' is probably the best choice in my sentence, but it is my language, my blog, and I don't care.

Yes, jabs is a word. You used it in a sentence. You are stupid. Clicking that link will also prove the old Seinfeld'ism about attractive females and their friends. It's long been hypothesized that physically-attractive mentally-vacuous females will ally themselves with very physically-unattractive females for social events. That way the unattractive female can use the attractive one for attention, and the attractive one can use the unattractive one to make her look even more attractive than she actually is. Ol' Jenny Good uses this principle to great effect as anyone can see from the photographic evidence. Pure proof that the stereotype is true... and that there is definitely a self-esteem issue going on with both of them.

Now at this point, I can continue throwing right intellectual crosses and various uppercuts of braincrust as her entire blog is filled with some of the stupidest content I've seen. I could continue for pages upon pages, noting and logging the stupidity contained within. But I will restain myself. Not because it's mean. No, I'm not being mean when I mock this mutant, I'm building up to a bigger point. A much more important point. A point that is so obvious and so clear that even an idiot like Jennifer Good could understand it, were it to hit her between the eyes on a day when shiny objects are not in her immediate field of vision. That point regards?

PETA. You know them as "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals." See, morons like PETA. Morons like Jennifer Good like PETA. Faux-celebrities and their brainless trophy wives flock like hollywood whores to a casting cattle call, to PETA. PETA uses these dim-bulb types to further it's animal militancy across the internet and society in general, influencing people of my generation to donate time and money to this shitty, shitty organization. Jennifer Good is one of these people, too stupid to do any real research into what she supports. She's too concerned with herself, her nails and her meaningless existence to really look past the surface of anything and down deep into the bowels of the group.

All throughout her blog, she has pictures of her dogs. I admit, they're cute dogs. They're not cuter dogs than the dogs that won the contest she entered, but they're cute dogs. I'm even sure that ol' Jenny Good is a caring, loving pet owner that likely takes great care of her animals. I'm likewise sure that her dogs are very, very happy, even if they also possibly recognize their own mental superiority to this societal leech. She is to be commended for being a good pet owner. Pets are great and deserve all the care in the world. Yet, at the same time, this idiot takes up PETA causes and bashes real celebrities for wearing fur. Nevermind that she eats cheese and her husband eats all manner of meat... no, nevermind that, J'Lo is a bitch for wearing fur! That bitch! Rawr!

But she's a pet owner.

Yet she's a supporter of PETA.

Let me continue so you understand what I'm saying...

She's a pet owner...

She's a supporter of PETA.

Got it?

Most of you understand my point already. For those that don't, I'll expound. PETA does not believe in pet ownership. They regard people like Jennifer Good, those brainless model-types they use, as scum. They believe that ol' Jenny's precious poochies should be liberated, set free and that the female Good is an animal oppressor for keeping her animals in captivity. That is how extreme PETA is. They believe in total animal liberation. Don't believe me? Check out this edition of the Showtime original series Bullshit! to watch the founder and leader of PETA say it herself. Total... animal... liberation. No pets. No little happy poochies. No more Jennifer Good postings of them all dolled up, because that's... oppression. Those dogs are, to the organization she supports, currently being mistreated by her because they are not liberated. She is the enemy to PETA.

Yet there is she, likely bottle-blonde, sitting there attempting the art of chewing gum and internet blogging at the same time... virulently railing against people with PETA-putrid propaganda that she doesn't even grasp the full meaning of. That stupid. Sure, she's stupid for other reasons... taking stripper-cise, drinking all the time to assauge the fact that she really matters little to anyone, but most of all because she attracts a sizeable audience due to her husbands art and uses her position to advance a group that she knows little about. A group that is diametrically opposed to her way of life. Pete, Benji and Casey are supposed to be in the wild, according to your oh-so-beloved organizations preachings. Yet you, pole-shiner, don't know this.

That's how stupid this bitch is.

Will anything change a person like this? No. She'll be stupid until the day she dies. She will perceive the world through soundbite arguments and pathos appeals of illogic argumentation. She'll ignore her own hypocrisy, she'll be dumped for a younger model in a few years and she will live out the rest of her days, on the dime of another persons ability... with memories of the people she thought actually gave a shit about her opinion, rather than the fact that she's only "someone by proxy." A status that can go away as quickly and permanently as the love of a shallow male. These types are the doomed, those truly to be scorned by those of you out there like myself. You cannot overstate the negative impact that the entire sum of the "Jennifer Goods" out there have. They are literally the cause of the depression and societal mental fuckery of so many of her gender. It is there existence that taunts so many and makes individuals hate the rich, for they sit there unrepentently stupid... the cow-chewin' cud of humanity.

And remember...

According to PETA, this animal is being terribly abused