Tip the waiter, tip the attendent, but never tip the pizza guy

March/2005: Finance - The other day I was looking through various hacks and mods for website design, because you know, that's my hugely glamourous lifestyle that so many are envious of. I noticed one mod that allowed you to order pizza online from the forums. Now, while I may be a slothful American, I'm not yet hitting that level of lazy. Novel idea, but not quite practical. In the person's thread explaining the modification, he linked to a website that I am absolutely appalled by. In fact, it has caused me to make a major life decision! Well, that's hyperbole, but here it is regardless:


Yes, I know, gasp if you must. The website offended me that greatly. What website? Why, TipThePizzaGuy.com. Yeah, not too effective if my reading of that website has caused such a strong stance. Go ahead, take a second and peruse that piece of shit website. I'll just wait here until you return.

Okay, welcome back. Now, that website looks normal enough, yes? Doesn't seem too controversial. That is, until you really read it. The people running this website are using bad math and hyperbole to make you think the pizza guy is this bastion of work. He's not! There are many, many lies in this site that I, a devout pizza eater and pizzeria attendee will be happy to point out. This website is so aducious in it's falsehood that I will be holding it against every pizza person and advocate you, the fine readers of this blog, to do the same.

Issue #1: The Pizza Tip Calculator
The entire premise of "tipping the pizza guy" is predicated on the fact that he has to pay for his own mileage and vehicle while making a wage that isn't so freakin' great. On face, it seems like reasoning that makes sense. However, the website undercuts their point by showing the absolute evil greed of their low-wage makin' hippo asses. The Pizza Tip calculator is a great example of the website's heapin' helpin' load of bullcrap they try to show down your throat. The calculator works on a simple percentage of the total you have spent. So to them, the more you spend, the more you should tip. Does this make sense? No! Their entire point is the cost of the drive itself. If I order eighteen large pizzas... or if I order a single, solitary breadstick, they drive the same amount of distance! If I'm truly compensating them for vehicle expenses, then the tip should be a constant. That's simple. That's very simple.

Where they err is basing the tip on a percentage of the cost. That's a rip-off of the consumer. If the expense to the driver is so great for driving, it should be a constant tip. In fact, if they really wanted to tout the driving costs, they should have a calculator that puts in the number of miles you are away from the closest store to judge what the tip should be. They do not do this, undercutting the entire point they have set up the "driver tip fallacy" around. They try to argue that they have to "carry more" but every pizza place I use has a large bag that each order comes in. Yeah, a bag. So unless these jackoffs want to say the "weight of cheese and bread is killing our backs", they're out of luck there too.

Issue #2: The Delivery Charge
In Portland, most places charge a "delivery fee" or a "delivery charge." Fact is, whether or not this goes to the driver, this removes my need to tip anything. I am already paying a fee for the service rendered. The website claims that delivery people should be treated the same way we treat a waitress. However, no restaurant on this planet charges you an additional "waitress charge." The delivery charge supercedes any rationale for tipping. Additionally, the delivery charge often is factored into the drivers pay, or used to ease the pain of mileage. If the entire argument is that we should tip because the poor, poor pizza guy has to drive his own vehicle, then a delivery fee that goes to the driver should erase the need for any tip. The website tries to address this with the following text:

It could go to the driver in other ways, as mileage compensation or hourly wage. This is not the tip.

Bullshit! Your entire point is that the freakin' driver doesn't get compensated for having to use his car. If the delivery fee is compensation, then I have no moral need to tip any pizza person ever! I'm already tipping him through the delivery fee! That's garbage, that's pure garbage, and their only argument against the delivery fee is that "it's not the tip." Well guess what? It is to anyone with a freakin' brain.

Issue #3: Invalid and arrogant "reasons for tipping" page
This page lists a whole load of bullshit reasons why you should tip. Let's take a look at a couple of these and see just how stupid they are.

Delivery is a CONVENIENCE. It feels so good to have it delivered for you

Pizza delivery is not a "convenience." It is a service. A service one pays for in the form of the pizza delivery fee. The pizza man is not a friend, or some random rogue hero who just knows you want a pizza. He is a contracted worker who does his job for the scratch, not because he gives a shit if we're happy with our pizza. If anyone should tip anybody, the pizza guy should tip US for being so freakin' lazy as to justify his job. This is not a service I should be grateful for, this is a service that exists because we're very lazy. If there were no pizza delivery, we'd just drive to get the pizza or eat something else. Delivery is offered because companies know that we would not usually take the time to go stand around in a pizza place for fifteen minutes to half an hour while they cook the food. It is their response to the fact that the product is not worth our precious time. Drivers should be thankful to customers who do take the time to order, as it keeps them in a job they willingly chose.

It is not a "convenience." It's the reason these companies stay in business.

If one does not tip, they steal the services of the driver

Newsflash. Driving around is not hard. It's not hard to drive. We could drive, if we considered pizza "drive-worthy." His services are not free. The cost of his employ is factored into the cost of the pizza. The very fact that we choose to order pizzas is what puts him in business to begin with. The argument that "the companies don't pay enough" has nothing to do with trying to extort a tip out of ourselves, as we don't tell the companies to make the job "the suck" and no one can legitimately feel bad for someone who chose the job to begin with.

Issue #4: The shitty comparison between a delivery person and a waiter
These schmucks have the gall to compare a delivery person to a waiter. Utterly ridiculous. Waiters have much tougher jobs than pizza delivery people. First, a waiter doesn't get to sit in a nice car and drive around. Waiters handle multiple customers at the same time. Waiters have to practice memory, balance and speed in order to not piss off the people they're waiting on. The typical waiter/person interaction time is five to ten times greater than the delivery person/customer interaction time. Waiters also have the responsibility of checking on the quality of the meal and refilling drinks and other bottomless/all you can eat items such as salsa, chips or bottomless appetizers. They also clean up after the customer. Delivery people do none of this. If the pizza is terrible, you have to call again to get service, and then you have to wait for that service. There is no refill of drinks, no memory balance or speed involved. You cannot wave the driver back for more food if you under-ordered. And the clean-up falls upon the customers shoulders, not the drivers.

Waiters and waitresses have a very tough job. I've never done either, but eating out enough has definitely illustrated how tough their jobs are. Pizza people have the easy life comparatively, they "fire and forget" the food to your door. It isn't their responsiblity after that door closes, and they have nothing more to do. The site goes on to lie, saying that the pizza driver is responsible for cleaning up the buffet, the salad bar, etc, etc. That's bullshit. I eat at Pizza Hut's buffet all the freakin' time and you never see drivers do that. The internal waitresses clean up the buffet and the salad bar. They also bring you drinks, take your plates and ask if you have any specific requests for various pizzas. They DESERVE their tip, and not these whiny drivers who do, comparatively, nothing. They do so little that this organization has to LIE about how much they actually do! That's ridiculous! I know who the delivery drivers are at my local pizza hut! Not once have they EVER restocked the buffet! They even try to lie and say that the driver operates the phone! Again, a total fabrication. Pizza Hut here has a central calling system that relays orders. Ordering online simply delivers an order to the closest store. The driver does nothing. Why lie?

Oh, they lie because the pizza driver isn't worth a tip at all.

When the pizza buffet bar is open, everyone orders buffet. The wait-person only seats and serves drinks. They don't run the buffet bar. A waitress said she received $55 in tips during the two hours it was open.

Complete fucking lie.

Issue #5: Vast majority of pizza delivery people are morons who doesn't deserve the cash
You know who society should tip? The janitor. Yeah, that janitor. You know, the guy that goes around cleaning floors and shitters? I appreciate a clean shitter more than I do some jerk in a hatchback slingin' pizzas to me. But do we tip the janitor? No. We even look down upon the job of janitor, as if the person is some slimy, scummy person. This man keeps our asses from having to deal with shitty toilets. He should be treated as a god. The movie theater usher. Again, this is a person that keeps us from sitting in popcorn and soda. We don't tip him. He doesn't make much either.

There's a reason why certain jobs pay minimum wage. It's because they're either easy, or unskilled. When it comes to pizza delivery, the answer is "easy and unskilled." It is not hard to drive. It is easy to drive. I drive all the time. Nobody gives me money for doing so. I do not get into accidents. Again, it is easy to drive. There is little skill involved. It's easy. The reason these people get paid nothing is because they BARELY DO ANYTHING AT ALL. They take the pizza from the interior cooks, put them in a bag, and then drive. Then they walk to your door, take them out of the bag, grunt sometimes, and leave. That's it. That's the extent of their "work." You don't deserve more money. Go get a better job or shut up.

These jobs attract, in most cases, either college kids or the worst dregs of society. There's no reason to tip a college kid, he or she should be childless and don't need more than minimum wage. If they do have a child, that's their mistake for having one before having proper employment. As for the dregs of society argument, you may be saying "c'mon, that's harsh, can you even back that up?" Sure I can! And where can I get the information to do this, from the message boards of tipthepizzaguy.com themselves!

From the thread: "Why are Jews and Blacks so damn cheap??"
Hate the way they tip, at least in my town. Why can‘t they spare a buck or two??
If you are in the hood I understand not being able to tip, not really, but take it for what it is! You will not get tipped there.
The damn Jews are the worst, though! Nice houses, and NO tip. I actually had one kike the other day become very upset because I told him I could not make change for $21.37 from $21.50...
Stupid Jews!!! I hate the way they tip...

That's the intelligence of your average pizza driver. Do you want to tip a moron like that?

Same thread:
How to identify a kike household..
Last names with any of these "gold, silver,stein, roth, berg, burg, man."
Avoid these households like the plague!!

Yep. When you tip the pizza guy, that's exactly who you're tipping.

Same thread:
if the name on the order is "la quisha" or "tyrone washinton", then you aint gettin nothing but a dirty look. it really pisses me off when i say hi, hows it goin? and i get nothing... no hi ..just nothing. punk assed stupid s--t thugs, i hope they have microwaves cause their s--t is always going to be cold!

All class. And they wonder why people don't tip their lazy asses.

From the thread: "Good ways to scam corrupt pizza joints..."
Stealing is rampant where i work(Pizza Hut) from the managers to the dishwashers. One great way is to take the order for your delivery, then add hella coupons or even free out a $15 pizza! Just make sure you remember the real price to tell the customer...

Any other ideas I could use to stick it to the ‘hut?

Post ‘em up!

Again, these are very stupid people working a crap job because they're not good enough for anything else, usually.

From the thread: "Why do most black people DON‘T TIP"
if you cant afford to tip, you cant afford pizza, if you dont tip, your pizza will be spit in next time, have mop water dripped on it, super glue in your door locks, or vasaline under your car door handle. and once again, i dont care what color you are, what your economic back ground is, if you cheap, broke ass cant afford to tip, you cant afford to order pizza. SCREW THE CUSTOMER, SCREW MANAGEMENT, THEY ARE NEVER RIGHT!

Same thread:
Ever notice though when a white person is in a black dude‘s home or vice versa (unless it is one of those retarded teen wiggers) almost every single time blacks do tip. Case in point usually whites on the whole tip a whole lot better. This one black dude tonight told me,"Yo tip woulda been betta but a nigga need money fo gas, know what I‘m sayin?" Seriously though how many black busboys do we see out there in our restaurants or makinga living in a predominantly tip related job, I consider it part of their culture or something.

Same thread:
Why don‘t the colored tip? Most of them have no manners and were raised by people of similar, poor quality. I‘m not sure what it is about them. Most blacks despise whites, they all think you owe them something. They owe me something---a tip. They should just tip me because my well-bred white ass is serving them. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn‘t even talk to them (or look at them). When a negro calls the store, my tone changes because I hate serving them. I can‘t understand ebonics. Sometimes I make them repeat things in English just to waste their time. I figure I‘m not getting a tip from them, so I might as well be a prick. If it were up to me, I wouldn‘t deliver to blacks. No tip, and even worse, it‘s dangerous.

Yeah. That's right.

Pizza delivery people don't deserve your tip. They're morons 95 times out of 100 and their lack of intelligence is usually why they're stuck in the crap job to begin with. Giving them an extra dollar likely means that they're going to go blow it in some ridiculous fashion. Why give them money for an easy service that you already pay a pizza delivery fee for? Sure, if you get the same pizza guy over and over, and he's something better than a simian, go nuts with the tip. Otherwise, save your cash in a little jar and give it to good food service individuals, waiters and waitresses, who actually do work for your tip. In the future, mentally, everytime I order pizza I'm going to add up those little dollars or two dollars that they think I should give, keep somewhat of a total and give that tip to waiters and waitresses in Mexican food restaurants. They are always, in my experience, hard working, polite and would likely put the extra scratch towards building themselves a better life.

There are some things you have to empathize with drivers over. They should be allowed to carry firearms for their own personal defense without being fired for doing so. They should get part of the delivery fee. But overall, the cross-section of drivers out there do not deserve a tip. They don't do the work, they're not decent people usually, and worst of all, they whine, and whine, and whine online like pathetic slugs.

Read some of their idiocy completely, and you'll come to the same exact conclusion...

The pizza guy can go to hell.