Quentin Beck Fears Me

September/2004: Important Announcement - To all you ladies out there, I have an important announcement. I, Xavier Von Erck, am a "Man of Mystery." Yes. But I am a man of mystery unlike other men of mystery, because I can literally prove my mysteriousity. First, let me show you some lesser so-called "Men of mystery." I shall use them to put myself over, which is not mysterious... no, no, it's suave-cat-flex, of course. Every good "Man of Mystery" like myself has to master suave-cat-flex. It's day one's training of the rigorous Al Qae... err, "Man of Mystery" training camps.

Check out these unworthy contenders to my title!

Austin Powers

This man is not nearly the "man of mystery" that I am. First, what is his claim to Mysteriousness? Nada. He just says he is. But there's nothing mysterious about him. He's a two-note joke catchphrase-spewing horndog. That's not mysterious, that's the lecherous drunk at the end of the bar who thinks he can score with the female that is way out of his league. There's no mystery there, that's just a bad Friday night.

Rey Mysterio

Rey Mysterio? Bottom of the barrel. He may have been mysterious before he lost his mask, but after that he became just another member of Menudo. The only thing mysterious about Rey Mysterio now is why his opponents always fall into the ropes in a way that they never do in any other matches... or the mystery of how the West Coast Pop is supposed to hurt you. Otherwise, everyone already has seen him embarrass himself trying to rap, and wearing those ridiculous WCW devil horns. Again, that's no mystery, that's just a short lucha.


Old Russians need not apply. Rasputin wasn't mysterious, he was just good at drugging and fucking the Czar's wife while the Czar went off to war. While it's impressive that the Czar didn't have him killed when he returned, it's no more impressive than the millions of Americans that hide their infidelities each year. I do give Rasputin credit for surviving poison, a knifing and being shot a few times during an assassination attempt that was only successful when Rasputin fell into a river and drowned... but hey, he was screwing the Czar's wife, he had a reason to have such a will to live. You need more than a beard to make you mysterious.


There isn't anything mysterious about Quentin Beck. The guy is a special effects wizard who tried to outshine Spidey and went nuts from failure. While I appreciate his ability to use psychadelic drugs as weapons (some of his gases in the old comics caused what supposedly were PCP-like effects), there really isn't anything all that mysterious about him... well, other than the question of where he would get all his muscle-bound thugs, or how he would know the location to a house of mirrors so well... but those could probably be explained away pretty quickly if I wanted to. Plus, he's fictional. And that's the lowest blow I can throw.

Obviously these masquerading-as-mysterious charlatans are not exactly tough competition, regardless, I shall lord my victory over them. For I am mysterious. And I'm not just blowing shit out of my ass, I can prove my mysteriousness beyond a reasonable doubt. Recently, a major Minnesota court-ruling came down in favor of Perverted-Justice.com. You can read about it (and see my very cool Dr. Doom avatar) right HERE. But amid all the celebrating, an important fact was overlooked by many.

I'm now a court-certified "Man of Mystery."

But Von Erck is not a party to this case and, like the *name removed*, is not a Minnesota resident. So, if the Court were to grant the petition and issue an HRO, defendants *name removed* would be at the mercy of the mysterious Mr. Von Erck.

Is there a cooler sentence in creation? It's so ominous. They would be at the MERCY of the MYSTERIOUS... MR... VON... ERCK. It's like a comic book line come to life, supervillain-style. But as cool as that sounds, I'm finding it incredibly hard to take advantage of. After all, I don't hit the bar scene, club or hell, meet people. So I can't use this incredibly awesome pick-up line:

"Hey there... oh, why should you talk to me? Well... I'm a court-certified man of mystery."

That line is incredibly awesome. No, it wouldn't work in picking anyone up, but it would just be awesome to say to some random female stranger. Because it's true! It's not just a pick-up line! It is a pick-up line... but it's not just a pick-up line because it's freakin' true! As soon as I saw that line in the judge's ruling, I immediately considered actually going out to a social establishment just to use the line, then explain why it's not "just a line" before leaving and coming back home to the sweet blessid warm glow of El Computero.

But I didn't go out and use it.

Want to know why? Sure you do.

Well, I won't tell you.

That's just how damn mysterious I am.

Eat that, Mysterio!