April/2004: About Me - I am bored and can't figure out anything decent to write about for my site (Actually I can, but most of my GOOD stories have to wait for when I can talk about them. For instance, the pop-culture celebrity who asked me in a serious tone if I'm a neo-nazi and why at that moment, I realized that I am not living my life, but the life of someone else, for no life of mine could be so weird), I figured I'd write about my social life.

I mean, why not? I am bored. You are bored as well, this I know. Why do I know this? Because you are reading my personal site. Let me warn you now, this will not have a coherent flow. It was going to, then I wrote it. It did not. I will not edit it. I refuse.

Anyways, social life.

I have none.

This typically does not bother me. After all, it allows me to do TV without a blurring of the face because hey, when nobody knows you, sees you or talks to you, how will they know who you are? Exactly. Since I can't do the uber-smooth "take my glasses off and now I'm Clark Kent" thing, I figure this is a good runner-up.

In addition, the lack of a social life is very relieving on a stress level. Friends are a pain in the ass, typically. Relationships, moreso. Think of how many fights you get into with your friends, how much needless drama they cause. And that's the easy part, it's far harder to even make a friend in this day and age (Unless you're stupid and will befriend anyone) as there are so few decent people to talk to about the weather, let alone what book you read or what movies they have recently seen.

Friends are also wonderful for rapidly changing their personality and becoming abhorrent people to speak with. Myself, I don't change much. I change some opinions, may change my mind from time to time, but there's a lot that doesn't change. A few examples of things that just don't change...

-I hate parties and will not attend them
-I refuse to dance
-I like to stay home
-I do not eat vegetables
-I do not get drunk, do drugs, or smoke
-I do not speak with strangers in public settings
-I do not flirt with strangers or ask people out on dates in general
-I like to argue
-Tattoos and piercings are annoying to the point of physical disgust
-I dislike almost every male I meet

That is a small list of what would be a larger list if I took the time to write it. Those elements have been in place since I can remember. Throughout elementary, middle and high school, hell, to this very point, I have not changed. Not an iota, other than getting drunk twice during college.

The things I have not changed on? They are all very popular. That has nothing to do with why I do not do them, however. I was not aware at say, 10, that vegetables would become very popular. Or that tattoos and piercings would. I just knew I didn't like them. I still do not like them even though MTV has decided that most of you should like them.

Due to these elements, and my strong passion for opinion, I have never been well-liked. I have one or two friends in Portland. Neither I have known for more than three years. My friends have a shelf life of about five years. Then they burn out and are no longer friends with me.

As one of my favorite characters in Cinema, William Somerset, once said... "I've found that anyone who spends any significant amount of time with me finds me disagreeable."

The fact is, I am not an enjoyable person.

I am content to stay at home, watch movies, eat ice cream, play video games, fight online groomers and write boring blog entries. If I were to be taken out to Karaoke, I would sit there and eat good bar food and watch others sing. I will not sing. I do not sing. I would enjoy myself, but others would not enjoy my presence. If I were to be taken out dancing, I would sit at a table and watch people dance while drinking pepsi. If I were to be taken out to coffee, I would probably sit and remark on how weird it is to sit and drink coffee. It's a pretty weird thing to do.

How did coffee become this big social thing? I missed that day. I remember era A, when coffee was used by people in the morning to wake up. Then era B happened and it was something to go do and talk. I do not know when era A became era B. I do not understand why it is a good thing to go sit in a coffee shop with very hot liquid discussing topics of the day. I don't get it.

My idea of an ideal weekend day with someone I'm in a relationship with would be thus:

1. Wake up next to the person.
2. Make some waffles.
3. Eat them.
4. Watch some news.
5. Discuss whatever comes to mind.
6. Read a book together.
7. Separate for an hour, doing our own thing.
8. Go out to dinner, preferably Chili's or the Olive Garden. Or steak. Anywhere.
9. Watch a movie.
10. Come home, eat some ice cream, go to bed embraced.

I could do that without deviance everyday in a relationship and be happy. Sure, anything more extravagant would be fine. Still, it would not be that much more or less enjoyable than anything else. When in a relationship such as that, it matters only to me to spend time with the person, and not so much what that time is spent doing. That is not exciting enough for people.

Apparently I am supposed to suggest hiking, or something outdoors, or something else "new" and "different" according to popular culture. I cannot do that. I don't like doing those things. I'll do them, but why would I suggest them? Trees are trees. They are brown and green with leaves. The beach is a lot of sand with a lot of water. Both terrains will do shitty things to your clothes and make you uncomfortable. Skiing is okay. Still, it's cold.

I don't even know how to do anything with friends anymore. I think I've basically forgotten the concept somewhere. It's better to have a roommate. Then you have a friend at the ready at any moment, but you can ignore the person at any moment as well because it's a roommate. That's what you do. No pressure, no need to impress.

The worst part about making a friend is that moment where you will have to excuse yourself from the friendship. Say, if they suddenly start talking about their 15 year old hookup, or how much fun it is to smoke pot all the time, or how they can't wait to vote for Nader. It especially blows when you have invested time into the friendship. Yet something will happen. And if it is not you axing them, it is them axing you. Or even worse, no axing occurs.

The phone rings, you answer, babble happens (typically with the person speaking about their own life and problems), you finish the conversation. An hour has passed. You do not want to be this person's friend anymore. Yet, you cannot bring yourself to break it off since the person needs friends. So the friendship continues and then at some point you hope to find an easy out. If it doesn't happen, then these friendships build up and you're stuck doing all this garbage for people that you realize, deep-down, you don't even like.

I will admit to getting bored once in a while and saying "You know, you should have friends. You should have people to converse with. Individuals with which you can travel through life in lock-step with." But then I turn on the news, ride the MAX or simply observe others in other public places and am instantly reminded why I don't. Humanity is, at best, a festering sore of illogical individuals who strive to be special flowers, unique and open-minded. Befriending people, with all their problems, simply invites something worse than having no social life...

Having one you hate, that burdens you without rewarding you.

So I will continue to live my life the way it is set up. No friends, no real activities, nothing. A life that must seem crushingly boring, devoid of interaction and stale. The only life for myself, really. Pleasantly boring, drama-free and stressless. I need not burden others with my old-school habits and others need not bother me trying to get me to change them. A wonderful agreement between life and myself. It stays away from me and I stay away from it.

Everyday, I remind myself of how thankful I am for growing up alone.

It prepared me perfectly for dying alone.