Just call me Mr. Number 27
November/2007: 
Some things are so dumb that you don't know where to begin. First, the guy in the picture above is obviously not me. He's actually a blogger that once blogged the Rabbi David Kaye story... well, back in 2005. However, when you search my name on Google Image Search, it comes up with my name underneath next to actual pictures of me taken from various cable shows. Of course, comparing the pictures... it's pretty obvious that's not me. Plus, I'll never take a picture that awesome, I doubt I could blow cigar smoke anywhere near as good.
Of course, it's not so obvious to all. I recently received an email illustrating that some people are incompetent at googling.
I received that back in late October. The "Hali" is Hali Feldman, the photo editor of Details Magazine. Hali Feldman is also an awesome name. Not so awesome at research though. I'm not sure quite who her researcher is, but if that person were any good at research you'd kind of notice the blurb underneath the photo by the guy stating who he is. This is the second time our experience with paid media researchers has made our own unpaid volunteer researchers look like they're evil genisues from planet nine. Anyways, I should have said it was me, but then the poor blogger probably would have heard about his photo in Details Magazine and I'd be sued for picture fraud or some other nonsense.
The question is, why was Details Magazine, some random magazine for men, emailing me? Pretty simple, they were asking for a photo so they could do something more ridiculous than thinking I'm some swarthy cigar-smoking man. Details Magazine has featured me on the "The Details Power 50: the most influential men under 45." As soon as I saw the email saying they wanted to put me on that list, I laughed. Then I showed my wife and she laughed. Since then, I've told her that she's married to someone on the Power 50 list, because that sounds awesome. The only question I had was just how ridiculous of a ranking would these dorks give me?
Turns out? You can just call me Mr. Number 27 from now on.
Yes, of all the men under the age of 45 in the world, I'm the 27th most influential. My blog gets between 30-100 hits a day, I've never been recognized on the street (nor by Details Magazine researchers, apparently) and 99% of all people in the country haven't heard of me. So you might be thinking, "Jesus, how many other nobodies are on the list as well if you are, Xavier!" And that is where it gets really ridiculous. Apparently, I kick a whole lot of ass. How much ass? Check the list, guys.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Jay Z, president of Def Jam Records, co-owner of the New Jersey Nets, boyfriend of Beyonce is... 44.
I fucking OWN Jay Z. I influence him, not the other way around. When he did the "The Blueprint": The Gift & the Curse" album, he was influenced by me. I'm fucking seventeen spots ahead of him! I could have had Beyonce, but I told her that she is too annoying for my tastes and that she isn't influential enough, really. You have to be way up there for me to be with you. Hell, if they had a similar thing for females, I'm sure my wife would be like number 26 or something. Beyonce wouldn't even make the list.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Justin Timberlake, former boyfriend of Britney Spears, former Mouseketeer and famous actor/singer guy is... 37.
I don't OWN Justin Timberlake as hard as I OWN Jay Z, but I OWN Justin Timberlake pretty f'n hard. That kid, who is he? Nobody. I'm so much more influential than him, it hurts. I told Britney back in the day that I wasn't interested and she'd end up dating some white trash back-up dancer (Who outranks me, K-Fed is NUMBER SEVEN!) and boy, was I right. Plus I mean, who couldn't rip Janet Jackson's top open and cause a huge backlash of government censorship? Everyone has at this point.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Barry Bonds, all-time home run steroid king, the most polarizing figure in sports... is 33.
I hit a couple home runs in Little League. Wasn't very exciting, just wasn't my thing. Plus I knew it wouldn't be influential. Sure, he caused a federal investigation, but we at Perverted-Justice.com have owned him because we've got a bunch of federal convictions we worked on. How many does he have? None, well, one pending. That's not influential. Sure, he's tarnished baseball, America's Pastime, but other than that, it's not like he's me or anything.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry's Influential Tyler Perry is... 50.
I knew I'd kick his ass too. He has to put Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry in each of his projects. You don't see "Xavier Von Erck's presenting of Xavier Von Erck presenting Wikisposure" or anything, do you? Hell no. I'm Mr. Number 27, I don't need to put my name on everything. People already know, obviously! Tyler Perry has to put his name on precisely because he's so not influential. I would never put "Xavier Von Erck presents an Xavier Von Erck production of Perverted-Justice.com." It'd be... below my status. Then again, I might if I were number 50 like Tyler Toolbox here.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Iggy, Ellen Degeneres ex-dog is... 29.
Kicked your ass, Iggy. Kicked your ass.
I own all those people. I'm Mr. Number 27 and they're obviously nobodies because if a nobody like me can be Mr. Number 27, all those bitches should be ahead of me. And some of those guys are older. I've got seventeen years to move up that list with my nobody style. Barry Bonds is an old guy and he's that low? Weak. Just weak.
When Details emailed about this, I had a pretty good idea that their paragraph about me would be negative. In my head I figured they'd put me on because I represent the "fear children have towards men" or something equally out there. Instead, they wrote the following paragraph which isn't as negative as I could have wrote it, but compared to most on the list, is still pretty out there negative. Here is the write-up they did on me:
That's pretty negative, really, but not as good as I could write just cutting and pasting old articles. Of course, we've had negative press since we got our first press back in late 2003, so it's all old hat by now. As we've found, controversy creates news which creates volunteers which creates convictions. Mainly because whenever someone reads something negative about us, they go to the website, see the convictions, read a log and want to volunteer. What I found hilarious about the paragraph isn't something in the paragraph. What's hilarious is comparing it to other paragraphs of other people.
Keep my paragraph in mind... here's the one on Joel Osteen, bible-beating pastor of the Lakewood Church:
Of course, the best example isn't some goof pastor, it's Muqtada al-Sadr!
Pretty positive, really! I'm more disliked in influential male media than Al-Sadr. That rules so hard. Of course, people won't quite understand why I'm more than happy to be basically reviled by the writer of a men's magazine. Men's magazine. If there's any publication I want to hate on me, it's a fucking men's magazine.
The best part of the whole thing, however, is that I'm younger than 90% of those listed. That means if I keep up my reign of anti-pedo terror, fuck, I could move up that sucker! Screw you Ryan Seacrest, I'm kicking your ass in 2008... this I vow!
PS. Apologies to Jason "Mr. Number 43" Jones, the creator of Halo. Please don't take away my copy of Halo 3! I didn't mean to totally kick your ass, after all. Which I totally did. Kicked. His. Ass.
PPS. Anyone else notice how that list is like a transit bus in 1940's Georgia? All the influential black people at the back of the list. I dare declare that Details might have something against black people, actually. I didn't notice this until later. Even the Muslim terrorists rank higher. Weird.
Some things are so dumb that you don't know where to begin. First, the guy in the picture above is obviously not me. He's actually a blogger that once blogged the Rabbi David Kaye story... well, back in 2005. However, when you search my name on Google Image Search, it comes up with my name underneath next to actual pictures of me taken from various cable shows. Of course, comparing the pictures... it's pretty obvious that's not me. Plus, I'll never take a picture that awesome, I doubt I could blow cigar smoke anywhere near as good.
Of course, it's not so obvious to all. I recently received an email illustrating that some people are incompetent at googling.
Xavier,
Is the image attached you? I can't tell! My researcher found it on the internet and wasn't sure!? Again, let me know!
Thank you!
Best,
Hali
Is the image attached you? I can't tell! My researcher found it on the internet and wasn't sure!? Again, let me know!
Thank you!
Best,
Hali
I received that back in late October. The "Hali" is Hali Feldman, the photo editor of Details Magazine. Hali Feldman is also an awesome name. Not so awesome at research though. I'm not sure quite who her researcher is, but if that person were any good at research you'd kind of notice the blurb underneath the photo by the guy stating who he is. This is the second time our experience with paid media researchers has made our own unpaid volunteer researchers look like they're evil genisues from planet nine. Anyways, I should have said it was me, but then the poor blogger probably would have heard about his photo in Details Magazine and I'd be sued for picture fraud or some other nonsense.
The question is, why was Details Magazine, some random magazine for men, emailing me? Pretty simple, they were asking for a photo so they could do something more ridiculous than thinking I'm some swarthy cigar-smoking man. Details Magazine has featured me on the "The Details Power 50: the most influential men under 45." As soon as I saw the email saying they wanted to put me on that list, I laughed. Then I showed my wife and she laughed. Since then, I've told her that she's married to someone on the Power 50 list, because that sounds awesome. The only question I had was just how ridiculous of a ranking would these dorks give me?
Turns out? You can just call me Mr. Number 27 from now on.
Yes, of all the men under the age of 45 in the world, I'm the 27th most influential. My blog gets between 30-100 hits a day, I've never been recognized on the street (nor by Details Magazine researchers, apparently) and 99% of all people in the country haven't heard of me. So you might be thinking, "Jesus, how many other nobodies are on the list as well if you are, Xavier!" And that is where it gets really ridiculous. Apparently, I kick a whole lot of ass. How much ass? Check the list, guys.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Jay Z, president of Def Jam Records, co-owner of the New Jersey Nets, boyfriend of Beyonce is... 44.
I fucking OWN Jay Z. I influence him, not the other way around. When he did the "The Blueprint": The Gift & the Curse" album, he was influenced by me. I'm fucking seventeen spots ahead of him! I could have had Beyonce, but I told her that she is too annoying for my tastes and that she isn't influential enough, really. You have to be way up there for me to be with you. Hell, if they had a similar thing for females, I'm sure my wife would be like number 26 or something. Beyonce wouldn't even make the list.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Justin Timberlake, former boyfriend of Britney Spears, former Mouseketeer and famous actor/singer guy is... 37.
I don't OWN Justin Timberlake as hard as I OWN Jay Z, but I OWN Justin Timberlake pretty f'n hard. That kid, who is he? Nobody. I'm so much more influential than him, it hurts. I told Britney back in the day that I wasn't interested and she'd end up dating some white trash back-up dancer (Who outranks me, K-Fed is NUMBER SEVEN!) and boy, was I right. Plus I mean, who couldn't rip Janet Jackson's top open and cause a huge backlash of government censorship? Everyone has at this point.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Barry Bonds, all-time home run steroid king, the most polarizing figure in sports... is 33.
I hit a couple home runs in Little League. Wasn't very exciting, just wasn't my thing. Plus I knew it wouldn't be influential. Sure, he caused a federal investigation, but we at Perverted-Justice.com have owned him because we've got a bunch of federal convictions we worked on. How many does he have? None, well, one pending. That's not influential. Sure, he's tarnished baseball, America's Pastime, but other than that, it's not like he's me or anything.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry's Influential Tyler Perry is... 50.
I knew I'd kick his ass too. He has to put Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry in each of his projects. You don't see "Xavier Von Erck's presenting of Xavier Von Erck presenting Wikisposure" or anything, do you? Hell no. I'm Mr. Number 27, I don't need to put my name on everything. People already know, obviously! Tyler Perry has to put his name on precisely because he's so not influential. I would never put "Xavier Von Erck presents an Xavier Von Erck production of Perverted-Justice.com." It'd be... below my status. Then again, I might if I were number 50 like Tyler Toolbox here.
I am Mr. Number 27.
Iggy, Ellen Degeneres ex-dog is... 29.
Kicked your ass, Iggy. Kicked your ass.
I own all those people. I'm Mr. Number 27 and they're obviously nobodies because if a nobody like me can be Mr. Number 27, all those bitches should be ahead of me. And some of those guys are older. I've got seventeen years to move up that list with my nobody style. Barry Bonds is an old guy and he's that low? Weak. Just weak.
When Details emailed about this, I had a pretty good idea that their paragraph about me would be negative. In my head I figured they'd put me on because I represent the "fear children have towards men" or something equally out there. Instead, they wrote the following paragraph which isn't as negative as I could have wrote it, but compared to most on the list, is still pretty out there negative. Here is the write-up they did on me:
27 // Xavier Von Erck
Founder, Perverted Justice; Age: 28
Xavier Von Erck founded the website perverted-justice.com with the goal of outing suspected pedophiles by any means necessary. Von Erck and his minions troll chat rooms and dating sites, flirting with fellow users with the intention of entrapping them and shaming them to oblivion. But as with any vigilante, Von Erck's methods attract controversy. Since he joined NBC's Dateline for the "To Catch a Predator" series in 2004, the segment has led to the arrest of more than 250 alleged sex offenders, and as many objections from civil-liberties experts-not to mention a $105 million suit filed by the sister of an alleged offender who, after his bust, shot himself. Even if Von Erck hasn't learned how fitting the name Perverted Justice is, he's taught the rest of us.
Founder, Perverted Justice; Age: 28
Xavier Von Erck founded the website perverted-justice.com with the goal of outing suspected pedophiles by any means necessary. Von Erck and his minions troll chat rooms and dating sites, flirting with fellow users with the intention of entrapping them and shaming them to oblivion. But as with any vigilante, Von Erck's methods attract controversy. Since he joined NBC's Dateline for the "To Catch a Predator" series in 2004, the segment has led to the arrest of more than 250 alleged sex offenders, and as many objections from civil-liberties experts-not to mention a $105 million suit filed by the sister of an alleged offender who, after his bust, shot himself. Even if Von Erck hasn't learned how fitting the name Perverted Justice is, he's taught the rest of us.
That's pretty negative, really, but not as good as I could write just cutting and pasting old articles. Of course, we've had negative press since we got our first press back in late 2003, so it's all old hat by now. As we've found, controversy creates news which creates volunteers which creates convictions. Mainly because whenever someone reads something negative about us, they go to the website, see the convictions, read a log and want to volunteer. What I found hilarious about the paragraph isn't something in the paragraph. What's hilarious is comparing it to other paragraphs of other people.
Keep my paragraph in mind... here's the one on Joel Osteen, bible-beating pastor of the Lakewood Church:
16 // The Spiritual Leader
Joel Osteen, Pastor, Lakewood Church; Age: 44
The most popular pastor in America casts God in the role of benevolent life coach. Known as the Smiling Preacher (his lovely blonde wife, Victoria, might be the reason for the grin), Joel Osteen doesn't rail against sin, threaten damnation, or even refer to the Bible all that often-a strategy that's helped his brand of "pastorpreneur" sell in precincts where Dr. Phil and Deepak Chopra hold sway. Each Sunday, Osteen's services draw 40,000 people to a church that was once the home of the Houston Rockets, and he hosts the most-watched inspirational TV show in the United States. All of which helps explain how the Oral Roberts University dropout has sold 4 million copies of his 2004 book Your Best Life Now and why his new book, Become a Better You, had an initial print run of 3 million. "For men," says Jim Twitchell, the author of Shopping for God: How Christianity Moved From In Your Heart to In Your Face, "seeing a minister with a hot wife kind of says this guy is one of them."
Joel Osteen, Pastor, Lakewood Church; Age: 44
The most popular pastor in America casts God in the role of benevolent life coach. Known as the Smiling Preacher (his lovely blonde wife, Victoria, might be the reason for the grin), Joel Osteen doesn't rail against sin, threaten damnation, or even refer to the Bible all that often-a strategy that's helped his brand of "pastorpreneur" sell in precincts where Dr. Phil and Deepak Chopra hold sway. Each Sunday, Osteen's services draw 40,000 people to a church that was once the home of the Houston Rockets, and he hosts the most-watched inspirational TV show in the United States. All of which helps explain how the Oral Roberts University dropout has sold 4 million copies of his 2004 book Your Best Life Now and why his new book, Become a Better You, had an initial print run of 3 million. "For men," says Jim Twitchell, the author of Shopping for God: How Christianity Moved From In Your Heart to In Your Face, "seeing a minister with a hot wife kind of says this guy is one of them."
Of course, the best example isn't some goof pastor, it's Muqtada al-Sadr!
8 // Muqtada al-Sadr
Shiite Cleric; Age: 34
As the major players begin to plan for a post-U.S. Iraq, Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr has already burnished his statesman credentials, ordering a cease-fire for his Mahdi army (while still unofficially siccing them on his enemies). He's also strengthened his grip on parliament and the government, including the Interior Ministry. Now, formerly warring Shiite and Sunni factions are uniting, apparently in the hopes of countering Sadr's dominance. "This year his influence has been at least as high as it's ever been," says Austin Long, a political scientist at the RAND Corporation. "It's very rare that someone has so much extralegal power-in the form of an armed militia-yet has so much influence within the government." But Sadr's real base of power is the street, where among nationalists and Shiite fundamentalists alike, his name is synonymous with resistance to the occupation. "It's a name to conjure by these days," Long says. "You saw that at Saddam's hanging." And you'll see it when the last U.S. chopper leaves Baghdad.
Shiite Cleric; Age: 34
As the major players begin to plan for a post-U.S. Iraq, Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr has already burnished his statesman credentials, ordering a cease-fire for his Mahdi army (while still unofficially siccing them on his enemies). He's also strengthened his grip on parliament and the government, including the Interior Ministry. Now, formerly warring Shiite and Sunni factions are uniting, apparently in the hopes of countering Sadr's dominance. "This year his influence has been at least as high as it's ever been," says Austin Long, a political scientist at the RAND Corporation. "It's very rare that someone has so much extralegal power-in the form of an armed militia-yet has so much influence within the government." But Sadr's real base of power is the street, where among nationalists and Shiite fundamentalists alike, his name is synonymous with resistance to the occupation. "It's a name to conjure by these days," Long says. "You saw that at Saddam's hanging." And you'll see it when the last U.S. chopper leaves Baghdad.
Pretty positive, really! I'm more disliked in influential male media than Al-Sadr. That rules so hard. Of course, people won't quite understand why I'm more than happy to be basically reviled by the writer of a men's magazine. Men's magazine. If there's any publication I want to hate on me, it's a fucking men's magazine.
The best part of the whole thing, however, is that I'm younger than 90% of those listed. That means if I keep up my reign of anti-pedo terror, fuck, I could move up that sucker! Screw you Ryan Seacrest, I'm kicking your ass in 2008... this I vow!
PS. Apologies to Jason "Mr. Number 43" Jones, the creator of Halo. Please don't take away my copy of Halo 3! I didn't mean to totally kick your ass, after all. Which I totally did. Kicked. His. Ass.
PPS. Anyone else notice how that list is like a transit bus in 1940's Georgia? All the influential black people at the back of the list. I dare declare that Details might have something against black people, actually. I didn't notice this until later. Even the Muslim terrorists rank higher. Weird.
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