MY EVIL AGENDA by Xavier Von Erck

July/2005: Diabolical Schemes - Yesterday someone in IM linked me to a wild rant saying that I have an "EVIL agenda" that I'm using to fulfill. It was suggested that anyone who supports PeeJ take a look at my true agenda. Well, I shall use my blog to SCOOP this person by revealing ALL my evil agendas. That's right, I'm coming clean folks! I have studied the great EVIL dictators and noted that each rose to power fighting internet predators. Josef Stalin became the leader of Russia by throwing pedophiles into the river Volga. Pol Pot decided to hang pedophiles from their ankles in the Jungle. Abraham Lincoln fought the south to ensure that pedophilia would be decimated. All of these facts are true facts! These EVIL leaders used their EVIL attacks on pedophiles to further their EVIL agenda!

But, you may be wondering... what is MY EVIL AGENDA?

I am happy to tell you!

However, I am not some lame-brain type like a Stalin or a Pol Pot. I have MANY different EVIL agendas! Because I know that honesty is the best policy, I have decided to come clean and reveal my top ten EVIL agendas in one fell swoop. That way there shall be no distorting the record about what my actual EVIL agendas are. This is your one-stop shop for Xavier's EVIL agendas. Without further adoooooo...

EVIL AGENDA #1: I do not like seeing people's feet in public. It's disgusting. Why Portlanders feel the need to expose their toes on public transit or in other public areas is beyond me. Feet are nasty. Foot fetishists frighten me. As soon as getting pedophiles jailed leads to a fabled overthrow of the government creating the United States of Xavier, I shall ban all open-feet shoes! I shall persecute all manner of flip-flops, berkinstocks and other manner of bare footery to the fullest extent! This is the first plank of my EVIL plot.

EVIL AGENDA #2: All Marvel comic book movies should be done adhering to almost 100% strict continuity. No, not "Ultimates" style of shitty continuity, but actual legit Marvel continuity. "Ultimate" Marvel is a tragedy of Earth-2 porportion. Marvel used to have the tightest continuity possible and the movies should adhere to the source material. All directors and screenwriters will be forced to read entire runs of whatever comics they are seeking to adapt. The penalty for failing to do this will be to create the sequel to "The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lavagirl." While I'm at it, every single copy of the Spider-man clone saga will be burned in neighborhood feel-good get-togethers.

EVIL AGENDA #3: Taco Bell shall be forced to offer the following food items at ALL Taco Bell stores: Chilito, Double Decker Taco, Spicy Chicken Burrito and the ORIGINAL Mexinuggets. Not these fucking fiesta potatoes, but honest to goodness Mexinuggets. Taco Bells will also be required at a rate of at least one per 5 miles, no matter what state. That means that construction will need to start in North Dakota soon.

EVIL AGENDA #4: No more holidays and birthdays. They're bullshit. I don't celebrate holidays and birthdays, neither should you. The idea of the birthday is absolutely atrocious. It's the one day a year where your friends go out of their way to think about you. Bullshit! If they're actual friends, they'll get you a gift whenever. They'll throw you a surprise party on some random day just for the hell of it. They won't do it just because it's the meaningless anniversary of when you were shat out the body in a bloody gory mess. If you have real, actual friends, they will celebrate YOU randomly. Not on some predetermined date yearly. That's crap. Same principle with Valentine's Day. If he loves you, he'll randomly buy you crap. Fourth of July? Why should we only have ONE DAY to celebrate our liberty? Garbage to all of this.

EVIL AGENDA #5: All vegan or vegetarianism style foods are hereby banned. Gardenburger? Yeah, that's a no-no. Those weird soy hot dogs? I don't think so. No more of this. If you want to eat vegetables, then eat vegetables. Nobody is stopping you. Furthermore, your "good food" substitutes suck. Lastly, you don't see we meatatarians creating Steak Sprouts, or Burgerabbage. Leave our food alone and we'll leave your food alone, losers.

EVIL AGENDA #6: The puck light is coming back. Now that we have to deal with the NHL on TV again, it's time to bring back the only thing that made hockey watchable in the first place. The puck light was the best addition to hockey broadcasting since... fuck, anything. Despite the cries of idiot purists and Canadians, the puck is very hard to see on TV. Fox had it right with the puck light, but pulled it when hockey fans started complaining. Now that the NHL has rid us of these insufferable fools by going on an insufferably foolish lockout, the puck light is ready for it's grand return to make hockey... perhaps, a digestable television sport once again.

EVIL AGENDA #7: No more cars that run on gasoline will be produced. Nada. The day of the gasoline powered car is over. Having an energy policy dictated by Arabs is a fucking disaster and has been since the great OPEC oil embargo of the seventies. No more cars running on gasoline. I don't care what they run off of so long as the answer to what they need does not involve any form of Arabs. Cars that run on sunshine? Fine. Cars that run on canola oil? Great. Cars that run on the limbs of dead babies? Well, only if it's just between that and oil. Our energy policy is our greatest failure as a country. There are no excuses for how stupid we have been as a nation when it comes to relying on gasoline to fuel our cars. We've known the Arabs are shit crazy since... well, fucking Saladin. So perhaps in the seventies when we got extorted by those fucks... jeez, maybe we could have learned that relying on Muslims probably isn't such a great idea. Democrats can't even claim this issue as theirs. Neither Carter nor Clinton did a goddamned thing about this issue. No more fucking gasoline. Not even for your lawnmower.

EVIL AGENDA #8: If you can't act, you can't sing and you can't write... then you can't be a celebrity. This will cut down on the number of celebrities there are by about 40%. But it's the lame 40% that will no longer be allowed to be celebrities. I'm talking Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, the entire judging panel of American Idol, you name it, it will be a de-celebrity'ing spree of unfamousity. And if you are a celebrity, you don't get to speak out on politics (IE: against my evil agenda) because you don't know anything about politics. You certainly can't run for political office. In fact, you shouldn't even be suggesting what brand of socks people should buy. Your only role is to do whatever monkey-like function you can perform in order to amuse the masses. "Politics" is defined as any statement about anything political, including the environment, social causes, charities and war. No more nattering, no more stupidity.

EVIL AGENDA #9: No more race-based stand-up comedy. None. Doing any will result in your immediate imprisonment under reworked hate crime laws. I can't even watch Comedy Central anymore. Each fucking comedian has their little race-based jokes. "Hey, you ever noticed how white people like to eat like this? And black people are all eating like THIS? Ain't that crazy!?!" - No, that's not crazy, that's fucking stupid. Generalizations based on race aren't funny. I don't care if you say "like this" in an accent. It's stupid. This goes for Asian and Latino stand-ups as well. Knock it off. I don't care what your Puerto Rican father was like and I bet he wasn't even like that to begin with. While this may mean the end to the careers of Margaret Cho and John Leguizamo, that's a small price to... what the hell am I saying? That's a goddamned GREAT price to pay and I'll gladly pony up the cost anytime. Just say the word. Can't watch Stand-up on Comedy Central anymore, it's disgusting.

EVIL AGENDA #10: Quiznos and Chili's will be forced to merge. Why? Well these are my EVIL agendas so they are designed to make things better. Yes, for me. Quiznos has a great item called the Double Steak and Cheese Sub. I've written about it so just scroll if you have no idea of what it is. Chili's has the greatest soup ever, the Chicken Enchilada Soup (without tomatoes). I want to go to one restaurant that has both the Double Steak and Cheese sub and the Chicken Enchilada soup. Hence, Quiznos and Chili's have to merge. That's the long and short of it. If Quiznos and Chili's were to merge... and I were to have any semblance of disposable income, I would be at no other restaurant, ever. They would have to install fucking WiFi and showers. In fact, I've changed my mind because again, these are my EVIL agendas and I have to get this right. Quiznos has to merge with chili's which has to merge with Bally's Fitness. And they have to get WiFi. That way I can eat, exercise, get online, exercise, get online and eat. Or exercise, get online, eat, get online, eat and then exercise. I don't really care how it works so long that it does work.

These are my EVIL agendas. Yes, you'll have to wear shoes. Yep, you won't be following along with the exploits of pseudo-celebrities. You'll have to actually put thought into your friendships. But as a tradeoff, it will create the best health restaurant on the planet, allow consistency with Taco Bell menus from state to state and remove really hackneyed stand-up comedy. It's a trade-off, but that's what you get with my EVIL agendas. Hey, at least they're unique and not the same ol' same ol' diet of political oppression, concentration camps and bad "tribute to the dictator" artwork. While I'm sure many of you are wondering just how fighting internet sex predators online exactly leads to supreme power, don't worry because I'll let you know the day after I figure it out for myself. Oh, how will I let you know?

I'll tell you to put on your fucking shoes, hippie!